I’m not big on introductions, so I’ll get right down to it: here’s an honest-to-goodness list of 10 things you absolutely have to do while you’re in Panama. Did you know that Panama is in the top 10 of tourist destinations in the world and in the top 3 of places where people want to retire? We’re the hotness, but it takes a whole lot of savvying in order to exploit your stay here to its maximum degree. I’ll quit the silly banter and talk to you about 10 things you absolutely must do while in Panama, esteemed foreigner!

1. You want to get out of the city as soon as possible. I am not joking. Do all of your shopping and other pedestrian stuff when you come back from checking out what the rest of the country has in store for you. We’ll get to this city stuff later.
2. Go to the beach. This has got to be priority one in your list. I don’t know if you have noticed but this is the only country where both the Pacific and Atlantic ocean are ridiculously close to each other, and not only that but it’s the only country where both of these actually meet. When you leave the city, the nearest beach is a 20 minute drive… please, do yourself a favor. The beaches here are quite literally right next to each other and they’re spectacular. There’s quite a bunch that have been taken over by businesses that have sort of taken away the allure of discovering a deserted beach but there are still many that are raw and beautiful… if you’d like to know more Panama’s beaches and coasts then please visit AlmanaqueAzul.org and be enlightened; the site’s in Spanish, but with a translator you’ll be just fine. Panama has beaches for everything so rest assured that no matter what you like doing while in the water (swimming, snorkeling, scuba diving, surfing, lounging about, etc.) there’s a beach for you.
3. Experience the nature in Panama (Parque Metropolitano/Summit/Isla Coiba/Gamboa, even/etc.). The country’s long been considered one of the planet’s lungs and with good reason; there’s nature everywhere you look. The most obvious example of this is how the urban area of Panama City is divided from the Canal Zone and other areas surrounding it… “El Parque Metropolitano” is a natural park protected by international treaties due to its richness in fauna and flora. Also, in there you’ll find the trail that Christopher Colombus used on his fourth voyage to explore Panama so there’s historical significance as well. The place is huge, with thousands of different species of both plants and animals frolicking about freely… it truly is fantastic and definitely worth checking out. Summit is our biggest (and I believe only real) zoo but it’s nothing like the ones you’re used to… a little more and you’d have the animals running around with you. Isla Coiba used to be a prison but now it’s an internationally guarded natural reserve that’s like something out of a movie. Very hardcore. Anyway, I could go on and on but you’re better off checking out the sites and documenting yourself a little better. You won’t be able to forgive yourself because… there you go: you want to get out of the city as soon as possible.
4. Visit the Interior. If you really, truly want to experience Panama in its element, with its real identity on display then you have to hit the country’s interior provinces. Chiriquí is definitely a close second but in my personal opinion you should seriously consider going to the Azuero peninsula. It’s roughly a 3 - 4 hour drive from the city that’s well worth the effort (I hope you realize that Panama is ridiculously small. So small, in fact, that a 10 hour drive from the city to either north or south will get you to the border!) and once you’re there you’ll have all of the commodities you enjoy at the capital but with a very distinct flavor. The man from the interior is like a different species of human being, with his own values and beliefs, music, culture and much more. I suppose they’d be the Panamanian equivalent of a hillbilly but if I was given the choice between an American hillbilly and a Panamanian one then I’ll stick with the homebrew edition, thanks. Also, you’ll notice that the night life in the Interior is dramatically different from the one in the city… and much, much cheaper, too. The Panamanian hillbilly has his Panamanian version of country music which we call “típico” and you’d be surprised at how addictive the tunes are… the themes of the songs vary but fucking mierda if they aren’t catchier and more lively. Prepare yourself to dance a piece of music (or seven) as each “típico” block at your local night spot in the Interior lasts around 37 hours. Don’t worry if you’ve heard típico and didn’t like it at first, either; believe me when I say that after hearing it non stop for a weekend you develop somewhat of an immunity to it. Hell, you might even end up liking The hottest girls dig the típico, apparently… personally this baffles me but I’ve heard of more bizarre shit in my time so I’m not going to comment in it. Whatever… just remember this: everything’s cheaper in the Interior.
5. Check out the night life and have a taco afterwards. So, you’ve checked out the beaches, the interior and everything else outside the city already? Fantastic! Now you can finally enjoy the city without feeling like you’ve missed out on anything. Calle Uruguay is surely the most famous party district in the country so be sure to check that out. The hippest clubs are there and you’re sure to find whatever it is you’re looking for there… guaranteed. Most cover charges go from $5 to $10 dollars across the board and alcohol varies: a mixed drink is usually $4 bucks, beer’s around $2. Bottles range from $40 - $60 depending on your poison. Whatever you do just make sure you get hammered, foreigner! Don’t worry about you not being able to speak a word of Spanish because lately people have wised up and somehow they’ll be able to communicate with you; of course, knowing a little Spanish never hurt anybody. Finally, once you leave your proffered club/finish your pub crawl you’ll be able to find not only handy street vendors that will sell you everything from gum to cigs to pot (don’t try their shit. It’s disgusting) but you’ll also find, and this is where I wanted to get to, a lot of sanctioned mobile kiosks where they’ll sell you tacos, hot dogs, arepas, and other crazy Colombian dishes that are downright fantastic. This is all so that you don’t have an excuse to leave the area unless you don’t plan to come back and it totally works. They’re all between $1 - $1.50 so I mean, come on… can you blame me for getting like 20 of those frickin’ tacos? Hotness.
6. Grab all the money you saved by coming to Panama and go on a shopping spree. It’s much more because Panamanian population lives, well, in Panama… but they don’t notice how cheap everything is here. If the government has done anything right is to make the country the most delicious chocolate cake in the eyes of foreigners and most specifically foreign investors. Whatever benefits and complications this might give us Panamanians in the long run remains to be seen but I can’t deny that having the eyes of the world look our way in terms of Panama being a business transaction capital has done the country plenty right. In the last couple of years 3 shopping malls have opened and they’re already considered the most modern, largest and excellent shopping malls in the entire region. When the hell did that happen?! It’s ridiculous. 4 years ago, buying a decently-sized TV meant spending $200 easy but now for that same amount not only did I get a TV, but a region-free DVD player and an accompanying home theater system. I thought the cops were gonna come down on me for it being so cheap when I bought it… and believe me when I say that if my DVD player was a woman I would’ve married her 6 months ago and she’d already be pregnant with our cute hybrid DVD babies. I can get furniture for this barganized home theater set for under $40 too if I so choose to. In fact, I have no idea why the TV’s on top of the box it came with ever since I got it. I should fork out $5 and get myself a station where I can stuff all of that in. Hell, might as well get a pair of jeans while I’m at it. THEY’RE $3 BUCKS A POP ANYWAY.
7. Do yourself a favor and take a tour of the city. Panama has a lot of rich history and you’d be a fool not to find out more about it. The Panamanian Tourism Institute (IPAT) has programs you can look into as does the National Institute for Culture (INAC), but I recommend you find a local (a friend, hopefully) that can show you around since the stories are much more interesting even though the official one is still rather enthralling. Which brings me to my next point…
8. Get a Panamanian friend to be with you as much as possible. Not only does it help to be with someone who knows where the hell you are, but this person will come in handy in many social interactions where you’ll have some dick trying to take advantage of the language barrier to scam you. If you’re a girl, add “rape” in there too. Cab drivers are the ones you have to watch out for the most; since we don’t carry the meter system (yet) cab fares are issued depending on which zone you are in and which zone you’re heading to. The cheapest fare will always be $1.25, the most expensive being around $2 - $3 (but this is only if you’re going to the outskirts of the city or something extreme like that). Fare to and from the airport have a standard rate of $12 bucks no matter where you are/where you’re headed. Cab drivers will also tend to take the longest routes possible if they see you’re a foreigner so that they can overcharge you… don’t let them. That’s why it’s always good to have a Panamanian with you because then you don’t fall into situations like those. Public transportation, as of this point in Panamanian history, is a death trap and I wouldn’t recommend it at all. As always, the best thing you can do is have a friend that’s lived here and knows how things work around these parts.
9. The word of the day is “Bargain.” We have street vendors for everything you could possibly imagine, and like any true independent businessman they’re open to negotiation if you drive a hard bargain. Based on this principle, you’ll be able to purchase sunglasses, watches, Panamanian flags, license plates, hammocks, flip flops, vegetables, music CDs, movies both of blockbuster and adult nature, toys, pouches, t-shirts, souvenirs and anything else you could possibly want even cheaper. This is specially true when you’re in the interior: the candies produced in the interior are amongst the best and cheapest in the entire planet… also, you’ll find a lot of hand-made goods like wrist bands, earrings and necklaces that are downright beautiful and not only are they cheap without negotiation but you’ll feel like you’re ripping them off by buying them at such ridiculous prices.
10. When you realize how incredible Panama is, tell your friends about it. Come on, it won’t hurt. There’s internet cafés that offer long distance calls quite literally on every corner. Hell, I’ll give you a minute or two. Long distance calls are so cheap here that I don’t know why I don’t make them. Go back home with some pirate típico albums, a new wardrobe that’ll last you for 2 years and only cost you $50 bucks, and a tan. When your friends and loved ones see this new you, you’ll just say “Panama” and they’ll ask you for more info. Then you direct them to this here site. You’ll be glad you told them.

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