Before I begin today’s editorial, I want to ask you a music-related question: have you ever heard of NY-based rock band The Rapture? More specifically, their club hit (yes, club hit) “The House of Jealous Lovers?” God, that song is glorious. If I ever organize a caper (”Rivera’s Eleven” doesn’t roll off the tongue like I’d want it to, so the working team name would have to be something symbollic… like “The Rapture.” I’m smitten with the band and the song… can’t you tell?) I want this tune to be on the soundtrack of the heist; it could be the part where we’re all like, organizing the plan and shit. That guitar! Oh, that guitar, so sweet and silly. Like a mellow Hendrix. It’s not the most powerful song on the planet (that title, my friends, goes to Boston’s “More than a Feeling.” Carl says so) but I’ll be a monkey’s ass if it isn’t awesome… hell, their whole album, “Echoes,” is awesome. They released a new one not too long ago called “Pieces of the People that We Love” but “Echoes” clicks slightly better for me, mostly because of this awesome song. And speaking of “awesome,” apparently it was the word of the night for me all evening yesterday; everything was awesome to me, from the chair I was sitting in to the place I was at to the cat that hung out at our table. Everything was awesome. I suppose I was excited (I’m excited still, judging from the run-on sentences and my use of parentheses as narrative devices in this post) but I’ll get to that in a few moments; now that I’m done with my mini-rant, I can talk to you about the place this beautiful girl took me to.

We don’t know the name of the place but maybe you could help us out; it’s a tucked-in restaurant-bar that’s up at the far end of the Causeway, right around where Alberto’s and the Snow-Biz place is. I remember Jenny telling me about it not too long ago but I just kind of put two and two together on the place… fucking mierda, the place is awesome. I should’ve not been as skeptical as I was and trusted this girl when she said that they had these brochetas at 2 bucks. They’re meat brochetas, and they’re huge and they’re 2 dollars. The beer’s at $1.50; we had several. Fucking mierda, the joint is awesome. Brochetas at 2 bucks, and patacones at 1 dollar and they’re so many and yummy. Can you tell I’m regressing in my writing to a 13-year old schoolgirl? The place is that good. I want to go again… right now, I want to go again. You should seriously go, and someone should seriously find out that the frickin’ name of the place is so I can pimp the hell out of it… I’ll do a banner and post it on the PortoDiao.com site as an honest-to-goodness Grade A watering hole. It’s in the open air and the BROCHETAS ARE 2 DOLLARS. THEY BE GOOD. Thinking about the brochetas and beer last night is making me go retarded, that place was so good… yes, ladies and gentlemen: this place had me at “hello.” Or rather, “brocheta.” 2 DOLLARS, DAMMIT!

Also, I have a few observations on human behavior and other things I’d like to share with you, if you don’t mind. Stop… it’s Hammer time.

1. The brochetas and patacones at this place are awesome. I do not use the term lightly, if you can believe that. Have a beer while you’re at it, too… it’ll blow your mind.
2. It seems that in my life, the marriage of “timing” and “important things I want to say” is on the rocks. I need to get them a counselor because this crap is cramping my style. I have no qualms though, since the “interruption” was quite possibly the most awesome one I’ve had in years. Side note: Did you know that they’re setting up Nintendo Wii stations at Multiplaza so that people can try out the console on the 25th? I am so there, it’s not even funny. I’m going with a vengeance. Speaking of which I think I’ve decided that I will wait until the holiday rush passes to get my console (I suppose that would make it January) even though the mass production for the Wii is estimated in 4 million units worldwide, making shortages somewhat of a non-ocurrence… doesn’t matter though; it came to my attention last night that, while talking about the Wii the question of New Year’s came along and there’s a point to be made here: would I buy a Wii and forfeit whatever plans I had to go anywhere (a.k.a Bocas del Toro) or should I go to Bocas and wait ’til I’m back up on my feet to get the God-sent console? Scary thing is that my scale’s tilting to playing “The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess” rather than getting drunk in a bar with a bunch of funny foreigners I’ll meet that night. What a blasphemy… fucking Nintendo, playing with my feelings this way. Anyway, I think I’m gonna go over there on the 25th during lunch and when I get outta work as well to drool all over my future console. The crowd will be easy to disperse since my massive tech-induced boner will make people move out of my way like I’m the Ceasar. Or a freak. Either one works just fine for me. The relationship between the last gen of gaming and I could be easily compared to the relationship you have with a prostitute: you only go to her for fun and kicks, but only when there’s nothing else to do; wham, bam… and thank you, ma’am. The Wii will represent the beginning of a new relationship between me and console gaming. Nintendo, I’ve missed you so much. You’re sexier now. I don’t want to be with Playstation anymore… she makes people crazy and she’s not even that hot.
3. Please tell me this has happened to you so I don’t feel like the freak on the planet: Let’s say you’re sitting down in your table and you’re talking with your friend or whatever and she’s (could be a he if you’re a girl, but whatever, you know what I mean) doing the most mundane thing in the world like pulling up her hair or staring at a cat or whatever; something totally out of the ordinary and you just gaze and you can’t pull away because you’ve been hooked up to the tractor beam she throws at you. Alright, let me explain myself: Girl. Staring at cat, doing nothing. Shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But suddenly everyone running the command center in your mind stops what they’re doing and looks out to the deck, where she’s there for everyone to see; the crew members have caught on that you can’t bring yourself to look away. They check up on your brain activity and there’s only one thing popping up on the screen. “Beautiful.” She’s beautiful, you think to yourself as she stares down at a cat, oblivious to what’s happening in your mind. She’s not dancing ballet or painting or doing something extraordinary, yet you can’t help but display ze puppy eyes. See, that’s bad. Being that smitten is bad for your health, I think. But on the other hand it just feels so good. For a moment there you want to give her the world and Jesus H. Christ, you feel like you very well can. It’s such a great feeling that I see myself becoming easily addicted to it, like I am with caffeine, getting people drunk and rattling cages. She’s staring at a cat and you realize there’s no other place you’d rather be than right there, with her… and she doesn’t even know it. All it took was an everyday ocurrence to realize you’re lucky she even gives you the time of day. You feel so lucky. So, so lucky. Has this ever happened to you? Please tell me it has. I don’t want to think I’m losing my mind. I think that I’ve deprived myself from truly feeling for so long that now I’m thirstier than a guy who’s been in the desert for a week. You feel like you want to tell her everything. Give her everything. Pretty nutty, ain’t it? Please tell me I’m not nuts.
4. Did I tell you about the brochetas at this joint I went to last night? You should try ‘em out; they’re awesome.

I think that’s it for now. Please, if you know the name of the place I’ve talked about here then please post it in the sexy comments section below. If you’ve seen the place but haven’t passed by then I suggest you do. Burn a CD with the song I have in the beginning of this post, get in your car right now and go have a brocheta; the beer’s ice cold too, and the music selection is definitely appropiate for the most part… go now. You’ll thank me for it. In fact, don’t thank me… thank her. Not bad for rant number 100, huh? Now, for my next trick…

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