I went last night to watch “X-Men: The Last Stand” (great movie, by the way. Action-packed to ridiculous levels, at least as far as the first 2 are concerned. The use of the Phoenix character is wasted, but effective given the parameters or the world set up and the production has balls even if its a premature eyaculator with a 97-minute running time which made the film suffer in terms of character development but fuck that, I got out of there pumped) with Smoth and after chatting it up with him and his wife, talking about the X-Men, game saves and the like, I went home. After a couple of very disconcerting phone calls (the first of which quite frankly almost made me poop my pants because of how eerie it sounded) I dropped myself on the bed and was passed out cold almost instantly… and I had a dream.

I believe you and “Avenida Colombia” haven’t been formerly introduced.

If you know anything about the current state of affairs between Central American countries and Panama’s strong ties to the United States (whteher we like it or not) then you know that there’s heavy traffic of Colombians coming into my country. We’re the Miami of the Americas, where everything is cheap and if you work hard (or lie hard) you can achieve an easy living for yourself. Sort of like a United States for the countries below Mexico. Anyway, due to this influx of foreigners, specially from Colombia, we’ve seen their influence in almost all aspects of life, from food to music to the way we speak and so on and so forth… but one particular field they’ve seemed to excel at is one that’s been around for a very long time. In fact, it’s said that it’s the world’s first profession. Oh, yes, ladies and gentlemen… the world’s most flirtatious men and women have taken it up to themselves to become the go-to traders when it comes to all things sex. Call them what you will: Escorts, Pretty Women, Prostitutes, Whores… one thing’s for sure, though. They’re ridiculously hot, hot in the “this-is-so-dirty-I-love-it” hot.

I’ve noticed that foreigners really like these ladies. Hell, I like the ladies too but these aren’t your regular strippers you can bed for a little under $20 bucks (more on that later) but real women, high-maintenance women; women you have to really pull out the big guns with if you want to get laid tonight. “Avenida Colombia,” as it’s been nicknamed, is the bar area at one of the newest, fanciest hotel/casinos in the city, the Veneto Hotel. It’s been open for a almost a year, but it was quickly considered a safe haven for any girl with good looks who is willing to exploit them for a few extra dollars. Thinking about it, it kind of makes sense: the hotel is primed for foreigners, businessmen and lonely tourists who come here for a few weeks with some money to spend. So, naturally, they hit the poker tables at the casino; on their way over they hit the bar for a drink or a beer and *bam!* there you go, you have a huge pair of knockers staring at you in the face, asking for a drink. That drink turns to seven, and sooner than you know you’re taking this bombshell up to your room for some monkey business. It’s ridiculously obvious… imagine the hottest, cartoon proportion hotties you can think of. Do it. Think the hot redhead in the old Hanna-Barbera Droopy cartoons with the wolf whose jaw would hit the floor as the hot Jessica Rabbit looking babe sings for the fancy animal audience. Done? Alright. So, grab this girl and put her on the bar of what looks like the casino from Ocean’s Eleven. O.K, now multiply this girl by thirty. Change the curvage percentage, change the hair, do whatever you want with them, Mr. 31 Flavors. Well, actually 30 in this case but you get the point, smartass. These girls are quite literally waiting, wearing their mini skirts, tight-fit jeans and skin-tight tops with their de-li-cious breasts about to bounce the fuck out of their shirts… waiting. For you.

I feel dirty just thinking about it. Standing in the proximity of the bar makes me feel dirty. And I love it. Thinking about it though, and coming back to the whole “socially retarded” thing, I don’t think they’re whores. Well, they are. O.K, let me set this straight: Colombian women are flirtatious by nature. They butter you up and, just like a Jedi Mind Trick, if you’re weak-minded they’ll end up making you do whatever they want you to do. Having said this, if you toss a very flirtatious woman in here, if she’s a foreigner they’ll automatically label her as “crazy.” Also, for some reason the men think that all foreigners are stupid whether they can speak the native tongue or not, and that really gets a rise out of me. If you know the language, never take a cab ride and tell them your destination in English. If the drivers sees it he’ll take the longest route AND overcharge you to boot (a standard fare for moving around the city goes anywhere between $1.25 - $1.75) and if you’re a cute girl, he’ll quite frankly try to rape you. He’ll try to trick you into agreeing to have concetual sex with him so that when he rapes you and you denounce him he can say you agreed to it, even though he was saying “I like to fry tortillas in the morning” in Spanish while you couldn’t understand shit of what he was saying, resorting to politely nod in agreement just so he leaves you alone. This town is not for the stupid. Anyway, I’m veering off course; since most whores worth giving a damn about are Colombian women, whenever someone says whatever girl you’re talking about with your buddies is from Colombia you’ve just cast a shadow of deviant nature on the poor girl. Panamenians are like that; since we’re so socially retarded as a society, we have preconcieved notions of what foreigners have. This makes the country dull. And contrived and boring and compromising.

So yes, the whores. I wish I could get you a picture of this place (I’ll try, I promise) but it’s a site to behold. Stunning women literally sit and wait for some random guys to come over, buy them drinks and drop their A-game on them… one lucky winner will get the ride of his life. There are many places like this one (not necessarily casinos, but clubs in one of the busiest party districts in the city) where you can party with hot girls, for the right price. There’s one in particular I personally dig, not only because she’s hot as hell but because of the, umm… particularity of her situation. If you live in Panama and party in Calle Uruguay then you might have seen her… has any of you guys and girls heard of the One-Eyed Whore joke?

She’s beautiful, she’s only got one eye and she ain’t cheap. I was told by a very reliable source how these women, truly beautiful women, rate up to $500 bucks for a night with them. The cheapest I’ve heard (or read, rather) is $100. Anything below that is because you know you want whore pussy, and in that case there are massage parlors and low-end strip clubs you can go to where the beer is cheap and the girls are cheaper. You don’t even have to get them out of the strip club; enjoy those 15 minutes, pal!

I guess I could do a more in-depth account of the goings-on of the seedy underbelly of the Panama Night Life, going from as low as “El Capri” to as far up as “Next” but instead I’ll send you off to this handy place. It’s in Spanish (sorry), but you’ll get all the info you might possibly want over there, and then some. There are also pics, if it’s late and you’re looking for something to do. Also, the Virtual Tourist has reviews and a map of the night clubs in the city. And the dream I had? It’s none of your damn business! Ahh, I just LOLed myself out, there.

Photos bastardly taken from www.dealante.com. NOTE: These girls are NOT whores. They’re just cute as hell. That, and I like breasts. Oooh, the Ministry of Sound was here!

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