Surprisingly I don’t feel like bitching at anything or anyone today so instead I decided to translate this über short story I’ve had lying around for the past couple of weeks. This was originally in Spanish and was going to publish it like so, but then decided to see how it’d turn out if I flipped the language and the results are much more satisfactory. Anyway, enjoy.

“Y’know? I really like you.”

“Thank you, though it doesn’t change anything.”

“What do you mean, baby?”

“I mean that it doesn’t change a thing between us.”

“I don’t follow.”

“Can’t you get it through that pea brain of yours?! We’re through. Through! I want you out of my house and out of my life right now!!!”

“What? But… but what did I do?”

“That’s exactly it, Porter! What do you do around here?!”

“What’s that supposed to mean, woman?”

“You know exactly what it means, you son of a bitch… you don’t do a damn thing here!!! I DO! You used to be so cute and adorable when we first started going out together but now you’re huge and disgusting and fucking useless around the house!”

“I thought you liked me big.”

“Well, I don’t! And what’s this macho attitude of yours whenever we go out? What’s that about?!”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, you do!!! You hypocrite! I can’t talk to any other guys while we’re out because you scare them away!!!”

“They’re all out to hurt you.”

“No, they’re not!!! You’re just jealous, is what you are!”

“You don’t want them near you. They’re all after one thing.”

“What?! When we’re out you don’t see me complaining when you’re chasing every tail that swings by us!!! Shit, maybe I do want guys near me! Ever thought of that, you idiot?!”

“That’s bullshit…”

“Face it!!! I’ve outgrown you. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of picking up after you, pampering you without me getting any pampering back and just see you do nothing all day! I’m tired of it!!!”

“I do a lot around the house, man!!!”

“REALLY?! What? Oh God, please… please tell me, Porter. Tell me what you fucking do around the fucking house because right fucking now I don’t see you doing a damn fucking thing other than get on my last fucking nerve.”

“I take care of the house while you’re gone for work!”

“How?! HOW EXACTLY?! Lying on your fucking back all day?! Yeah, you’re some guardian, alright.”

“Shut up. If it weren’t for me being here all day you would’ve been robbed months ago!”

“Don’t you tell me to shut up, you idiot!!! Don’t you tell me to shut up; getting you out of here is going to do absolutely fuck-all to the status of this apartment but at least I’ll have one less mouth to feed! Grab your shit and get out!”

“You can’t make me!”

“I’ll call the authorites on you. They’ll come and stick your ass in a cell if you don’t leave right now.”

“You don’t wanna kick me out. You love me.”

“… Shut up.”

“You loved me the second you laid eyes on me.”

“Shut up…!”

“You can’t kick me out. Who’s going to be there waiting for you when you get home? Who’s going to be there for you when you’re so depressed you lock yourself in the bedroom and watch ‘Sex and the City’ 50 times? Who can fill my shoes? No one. And you know it.”

“There are plenty of fish in the sea. I’ll get one that’s younger, more caring and more alive than you are. You’re a waste… get out of my house!”

“Our house, you mean!”

“NO! Mine! My house! Get now, now!!! Get out and never come back… your shit’s by the door. Now leave!!! Don’t come knocking either, because I’m not going to answer the door.”

“Fine!!! I’m not staying where I’m not wanted… you’ll see, I’ll walk outside right now and someone amazing is going to pity me and take me in because they see what you obviously can’t!!! You’ll see! Now open the fucking door for me.”

“Excuse me?”

“Open the door for me.”

“What am I, your slave?!”

“You know I can’t get it right.”

“You fucking asshole.”

“Thank you. I’ll drop my new number here as soon as I get with another girl ten times better than you!!!”

“What?! You’re a fucking dog!!! Rot in hell!!!”

“This is my turf! My mark is all over that apartment, baby… good luck getting anyone new in there, you cunt!”

“Lick your balls, you idiot! Good bye!!!”

She slams the door in front of him, and looking out to the hallway he sees how maybe he might’ve made a mistake… act like a dog, and you’ll be treated like one.

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