Since writing is cathartic, I’m going to sound off on the Fantastic Four movie sequel. I saw “Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer” the other night and now the mere thought of it makes me angry like you have no idea. I know I shouldn’t feel that way considering that the first Fantastic Four movie was not the be-all-end-all superhero movie but it did have that sense of campy banter the comic book had in it’s Stan Lee-Jack Kirby era of the late 60’s, even if they took a few liberties with some of the characters (I’m looking at you, Dr. Doom). This one, though? It takes a big dump on everything that’s good and true about the Silver Surfer and diminishes the guy into nothing more than a trippy CG effect. Portrayed by Doug Jones (Abe Sapien from “Hellboy,” Pan and that creepy dinner specter from “Pan’s Labyrinth,” among others), The Silver Surfer looks perfect in terms of visuals and there are some bits where it’s full-on Kirby-esque. Without dwelling too much into the character’s history, the filmmakers get the Surfer’s back-story well in that his real name is Norrin Radd and he’s compelled to service The Devourer of Worlds… this part of the story is where things start to go horribly wrong for any comic book fan worth his salt. Here’s some comic history for you: in the Marvel Universe, there are 2 versions of the being known as Galactus, the Devourer of Worlds. The original, 616 Universe Galactus and the Ultimate universe version, called Gah Lak Tus. Concerning the original, which would be the one that inhabits the universe all of the heroes you know and love reside in:

Galactus maintains his existence by devouring planets that have the potential for supporting life. He has consumed countless planets, resulting in the elimination of entire extra-terrestrial civilizations. For this purpose, Galactus usually employs a Herald (in this case the Silver Surfer) to scour the universe in search of suitable planets.

Upon pinpointing the requisite planetary body, the herald will signal Galactus, resulting in the Devourer’s arrival on the world’s surface and the deployment of the Elemental Converter—a colossal machine capable of draining all life energy from the planet within minutes. While the Converter makes consumption of the planet’s energy more efficient, Galactus is fully capable of devouring planets without its aid.

Due to his vast power and intrinsic, natural role in the universal order, Galactus considers himself a higher being than all non-abstracts, and as such has become more morally complex in recent decades, coming to embody a force of cosmic nature and proving to be a necessary being for the universe to exist.

He’s a huge dude with a purple helmet and navy blue tights. Of course, as deliciously campy as it would be to have the comic book version of Galactus, it would be ludicrous. So, the alternative (and what I expected to see) was the Ultimate universe version. The Ultimate universe is Marvel’s re-imagination of the original (called 616) universe, with “ultimate” versions of every character. In this other universe, Galactus is a tad bit different:

Ultimate Galactus, called Gah Lak Tus, was introduced in a trilogy written by Warren Ellis. Gah Lak Tus is first mentioned by Ultimate Vision, an early-warning system for worlds under threat by Gah Lak Tus, an immense (approx. 100,000 miles long) group mind of city-sized robotic drones that attacks worlds using envoys (resembling the Silver Surfer) followed by a flesh-eating virus that destroys all life. After this the entity breaks open the dying world and sucks all thermal energy from the core. Gah Lak Tus considers all forms and expressions of organic life to be so abhorrent it believed itself desecrated when telepathically contacted by Professor X.

This seems like a more plausible way to portray the character, at least to me. Either way, the entity is an unstoppable force, and when his Herald came to your planet it would mean that you are promptly fucked. Galactus has takes many heralds throughout the course of Marvel history (he even had Superman be his Herald once. True story), his most famous one is one Norrin Radd, the titular Silver Surfer. You see, Galactus wields what is commonly known as The Power Cosmic, which enables him to do basically anything with time, space and matter. Among the things Galactus can due because of the Power Cosmic are:

• Size-Alteration
• Molecular Restructuring and Transmutation Matter
• Teleportation of objects, planets and even galaxies across time and space
• Impenetrable force fields
• Inter-dimensional portals
• Telepathy
• Telekinesis
• Cosmic awareness on a universal scale
• Create sentient life
• Resurrect living things
• Manipulate mortal souls
• Remake dead worlds (including population) to the last detail

Because of his incalculable power, Galactus needs his armor in order to regulate his power. Because of this constant regulation, he must continuously feed to sustain himself or else he’ll starve to death. Since his eating habits are inconsistent, his powers’ strengths are directly proportional to how much he eats. Here’s where the Heralds come in: they travel the universe looking for healthy planets so that their master can feed. In the Silver Surfer’s case, his motivations for agreeing to be the Herald of Galactus are heartfelt:

Norrin Radd was a young astronomer of the planet Zenn-La. In order to save his homeworld from destruction by a fearsome cosmic entity known as Galactus, Norrin made a bargain with the being, pledging himself to serve as its herald. Imbued in return with a small portion of Galactus’ Power Cosmic, Norrin acquired great powers, a silvery appearance, and a surfboard-like vehicle — all modeled after a childhood fantasy of his. Known from then on as the Silver Surfer, Norrin began to roam the cosmos searching for new planets for Galactus to consume. When his travels finally took him to Earth, the Surfer came face-to-face with the Fantastic Four, a team of powerful superheroes that helped him to rediscover his nobility of spirit. Betraying Galactus, the Surfer saved Earth but was punished in return with everlasting exile there.

The movie takes the Galactus Trilogy, where both he and the Surfer are introduced, nitpicking some elements while completely ignoring others. My question is: why? I’m going to tread into spoiler territory so if you care enough to not want to have the movie ruined for you, you should stop reading now.

Why would the script completely abolish the Power Cosmic from the Marvel movie cannon? It’s an awesome sci-fi concept and I believe it much more than the ludicrous idea of having his surf board be the source of his power. Of course, we’re way past ludicrous concepts when we have a silver guy riding a surf board through the skies, but still they could’ve gone all the way with the original concept. Instead they pull all the beats of a sitcom episode by having the “evil” super villain Dr. Doom mount the board and enjoy the crazy powers the Surfer has, which are never given a name or explanation. And don’t even get me started on Johnny Storm: Super Skrull.

For Galactus, the being is basically a storm cloud. What a way to rain on my parade. You would think that in a comic book superhero movie where the characters and story bask in the campy nature of the source material you’d have at least some type of incarnation of the character. But of course not. Instead we get the Surfer going inside this Galactus cloud, blow a massive fart and vanish the Devourer of Worlds. What’s so wrong about using the original ending, of exiling Radd to Earth? It would’ve been an even greater setup for a potential sequel than having a shot of the guy passed out in space, seemingly surviving his successful destruction of Galactus. Ridiculous.

That’s what makes me angry at this movie: the poor choices in terms of story. The original tale was a great setup, just as campy as what the filmmakers where going for ever since the first installment of the franchise, and it would serve both fans and casual movie-goers alike. Instead, we get a shitty night out at the movies, disappointment and angry fanboys. Oh, la-dee-fucking-da.

I would recommend this movie if it was on cable. People who don’t know their comic book history will feel angry and disappointed, but that brings us to the topic of why on Earth would I be angry at a silly superhero flick? It’s just a movie. A summer blockbuster we’ll all forget about 4 months from now. Why get so irate? Why do some people make things like comic books, anime, Star Wars, Star Trek, Transformers, etc. their to the point of becoming purists and defending the properties to tooth and nail? It’s all about the passion, I suppose. People like to be invested in things and feel like they’re part of the experience, and when someone else comes in and shits on the preferred vision of the fan on what he/she likes. Problems arise and we get AICN talkbacks full of idiot children.

If you’re a fan of comic books, you will loathe this movie. If you’re a casual filmgoer that doesn’t care for things such as respect for the source material, or don’t care for the source material itself, you’ll find this movie to be entertaining only to forget about it once the next summer blockbuster comes out.

Matador! is already on its way, and there are now several participants out and about doing their best to get to their marks and kill them. It was a busy weekend, and despite the hoops and boulders I’ve had to dodge in preparation of this thing, it’s well underway; we’re smoothening the rough edges as we go, this being an independent and underground venture and all, so I appreciate your patience in the matter (if you’re playing) and look forward to seeing you in the tournament after this first one sees its completion. Can you tell I’m tired? I certainly feel tired.

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