Hi! It feels good to be back. I hope you had very fun and heartfelt holidays; with this post, I begin what I will mockingly refer to “season 2″ of this operatic absurdity I have the nerve to call a life. Thank you for reading, new readers and old… I’ll try my best to not disappoint in this new volume. Anyway, I’d like to talk about my relationship with a guy you might or might not know that goes by the name of Marco Romero; instead of me doing the whole retread I’ll just go ahead and leave you with a conversation we had earlier that points out why the guy’s one of my oldest friends. I hope you’re not easily offended, because he likes to go to town in terms of where our conversations go… tongue-in-cheek at its best:

Marco: Y’know what I’ve just realized?

Rob: What’s that?

Marco: I think I’m in love, man.

Rob: Oh, really?

Marco: Yeah.

Rob: With who?

Marco: Scarlett Johansson.

Rob: That’s cute.

Marco: I’m serious, man! She’s not like these girls we go out with here… you know what we’re doing? We’re going out with half-ass girls. Half-ass girls, and I don’t wanna do that anymore.

Rob: What do you mean, “half-ass” girls?

Marco: Well, you know how it is in Panama. It’s fucking difficult to find a girl that has everything… it’s always disproportional. Either she has a great ass and raisin tits or a great body and a fucked up face… there’s no balance with these girls, so I’m through with them. With all of them! So i’ve made a promise to myself.

Rob: And what’s that?

Marco: I’m not going to date anyone until I meet Scarlett Johansson, or at least someone that looks like her. I’m not going out with anyone else. If a girl comes up to me and tell me she wants to go out with me, y’know what I’m gonna say?

Rob: What are you gonna say?

Marco: “I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m waiting for Scarlett Johansson, and you look nothing like her.”

Rob: Right, of course…!

Marco: You don’t believe me.

Rob: Of course I don’t!

Marco: But come on. I want to find someone beautiful that everyone will want to fuck. I mean, I’m not picky… she can fuck anyone she wants. She’s Scarlett Johansson! She can fuck whoever she wants, as long as she’s fucking me, too.

Rob: But I mean, there are really hot girls in Panama.

Marco: Yes, but they’re too preppy. I’m not down with that. I want a girl who I can walk with down the street and everybody’s like “oh my gawd I want to put my cock in her mouth!!!” Like that. And they won’t be able to because she’s with me! Heh-heh. But I mean, yes, there are hot girls in Panama but they’re stupid! They’re so stupid. Scarlett Johansson, man! And I looked at her IMDB page and I saw she’s a year younger than I am, so… so I think I might have a shot. Watch out… I’m going to Hollywood to find her! I will find her. And I’ll say “listen, hunny. Shut up. I came here all the way from Panama to tell you that… to tell you that I love you. Scarlett? Hey! Where are you going?! Come back here!”

Rob: Speaking of “cock in her mouth.” Did I tell you that I gave NoisePollution a ride last week?

Marco: Oh, really? Just you and her in the car?

Rob: Yeah.

Marco (fucking the table, sucking his lip): fuck yeahhhhh….!!!

Rob: Anyway, I was giving her a ride and I finally realized why her boyfriend puts up with this dumb bitch and has done so for the past millenia they’ve been going out with.

Marco: Really? You figured it out?

Rob: Sure have.

Marco: Alright, what’s his secret?

Rob: Well, I was driving her home and-

Marco: She started ranting, didn’t she?

Rob: Like a fucking guacamaya. And you know how much into this guy she is so she’d go on and on about how he’s gonna be pissed when he finds out I gave her a ride and how he’s been all concerned about his job and his family and how he doesn’t like it when she leaves without telling him and how he’s not gonna talk to her after he screams at her for leaving him without saying anything and yaddayaddayadda… and that’s when I had an epiphany.

Marco: What was it?

Rob: That the only reason he keeps her around is because he likes to make her shut up. And she’s hot, so there’s only one way my mind could think of… and that was with putting my cock in her mouth.

Marco: That’s right!!! She’s kind of the type I was talking about, too… she doesn’t look like Scarlett Johansson but I’d fuck her brains out, man. I’d literally fuck her brain.

Rob: I hear ya. Thing is, as she talked and I thought about putting my cock in her mouth so she could shut up already I realized that her boyfriend probably does the same thing! Because, I mean… this girl, she’s something else. One thing is to worry, but this girl’s just off the edge, man.

Marco: That guy thinks she’s his house n*gger.

Rob: Seriously, man. If I hadn’t wanted to put my cock in her mouth so bad I would’ve slapped her so she could come back to her fucking senses.

Marco: Cock in the mouth is better.

Rob: I can’t go out with a girl like that. If I did I know I’d end up smacking her within the first 24 hours.

Marco: I’m not fucking girls from MySpace anymore, either. I’m done with all of that! And I cut ties with everyone… I’m done with the half-ass girls. I want a beautiful girl, but instead I get Republican Dominicans that look like drag queens and European girls that don’t wipe their asses before fucking and a bunch of other half-ass girls… no, I want Scarlett Johansson now, and it’s gonna happen.

Rob: See, I don’t think I could ever deal with that.

Marco: With house n*ggers?

Rob: I… suppose so. Like, girls like this chick, who are too dependent. I tend to go out with tomboyish girls. Girls who don’t take shit from nobody.

Marco: That’s right! That’s cool.

Rob: Yeah! So you see why that would never work with me.

Marco: I agree. I dunno what I’ve been doing with my life all this time.

Rob: It happens.

Marco: Come on, man. What would you do if one day I went to your house with Scarlett Johansson? What would you do? You better not be looking at my bitch, man! No threesomes nor nothing… she’s mine!

Rob: Fair enough!

Marco: What would you do, though?

Rob: Probably spray on her.

Both: *SSSSSPPPPPRRRRQUISH!!!*

Rob: Like… oh! *SSSSSPPPPPRRRRQUISH!!!*

Marco: Oh! Me too! *SSSSSPPPPPRRRRQUISH!!!*

Rob: And someone would pop out of the elevator and…

Both: *SSSSSPPPPPRRRRQUISH!!!*

Marco: The neighbors would be like “what’s going on? Oh! *SSSSSPPPPPRRRRQUISH!!!*”

Rob: Poor Scarlett.

Marco: Y’know what I wanna do?

Rob: What’s that?

Marco: I want to rent out like a stadium or something and invite a girl over for a bukkake party. Like, everybody in the stadium cumming on her.

Rob: I think we’d find someone willing in Japan.

Marco: Oh yeah! Those girls are hardcore.

Rob: “Oh-uh!! I want-uh bukkake-uh!”

Marco: “bukkake-uhhhhh…!!!”

Rob: Crazy Japanese girls.

Marco: Another girl I’d fuck like that is that girl I know, I’ve told you about her.

Rob: She’s like in commercials?

Marco: Yeah! FUCK, I’d knob her.

Rob: She’s hot.

Marco: See? Girls like those. We’re half-assing, Rob.
Rob: I like the girls I go out with very much, thanks.

Marco: You lie.

Rob: No I’m not! I bet that a lot of those girls are exactly the type you want to avoid.

Marco: Who do you mean? Like, with tons of make-up and shit?

Rob: Yeah! My girls don’t need no fucking make-up and they’re hot.

Marco: I was going out with this girl who’d put a tar of like, blue and silver make-up over her eyes and when I saw it I told her right out: “what the fuck are you doing? What’s that on your eyes?” and she’s like “make-up…” and I said “Shit man, I’ll call you next time we’re shooting a scene so I can use you as a reflector.” Why do girls have to wear so much make-up like that, man? Do they think they look pretty with that?

Rob: I dunno, I guess so. I’m lucky I don’t have to deal with much of it, though.

Marco: Scarlett Johansson, man. It’s gonna happen.

Rob: I think you should have back-ups.

Marco: Why?!

Rob: Just in case something happens that makes you realize you’ll never meet her. It’s good to have back-ups!

Marco: Fuck you, Rob. I’m gonna meet her and I will shoot my sperm in her. That’ll seal the deal forever. I’m no house n*gger! But I dunno, Keira Knightley would be cool.

Rob: Rachel Weisz guy, myself.

Marco: Great titties.

Rob: “Bukkake-uhhh!”

Marco: “Bukkake-uhhhhh!!!”

Both: *SSSSSPPPPPRRRRQUISH!!!*

We’re juvenile, I know. Seriously, though… you’d put your cock in her mouth if you were in my shoes, too. So, the debate rages on whether someone should hold out and wait for that one person they really want or instead find interesting people to pass the time with while your true significant other decides to manifest. Is there a right or wrong here? Are my friend and I idiots? Wait, don’t answer that, because of course we are. Maybe Scarlett Johansson will pull a Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie and visit Panama… maybe then my friend will have a shot; even though my threesome priviledges have been revoked, I’ll be very happy for the guy.

Share This