Camped out at Santa Clara last weekend, and it was great. It had been a while since I met up with the beach and even though she was angry at first, she got over it and was ultimately happy to see me. Sunday was great, there was great sun when it counted and the crowd was great. So, I’m in the beach floating, jumping up and down, freaking out about the waves and what not when I get back out, find my towel and lie down next to 2SXC, who was playing on the guitar we had taken with us. We were talking, when I see 2SXC’s eyes pop out of their sockets like something out of a cartoon.

“Are you hearing that guy screaming? He just threw a shoe at her!”

When we woke up in the morning (at least I did, at 8:30AM or so) we were the only ones on the beach since we had camped out there. Eventually the people started coming: soon enough a gay couple who looked like carbon copies of each other were tanning a few spots away from us, and as they walked their shiny bald heads towards the ocean I noticed a very odd couple. We all did. An evidently old guy the size of a tugboat, silver hair and that “I’m an Euro and I can’t tan well” skin was sitting down in front of this girl who was 18 at best, cute, tight package and an innocent look about her.

“Doesn’t that look like the odd couple to you?” 2SXC told us as we stared blatantly at the odd scene, but personally I thought it looked like a father-daughter combo with alcohol as side beverage… we all agreed on it and left it at that. Later on, when the beach was getting more populated I decided to go for a walk along the shore and I had the chance to take a good look at her. My assessment? She stared at me as I was passing by, and I swear it sent shivers down my spine and not in the “I’msticky in the pants” manner. Oh no, ladies and gentlemen… this girl looked like she was working in a Cambodian sweat shop and they gave her a 10-minute break from sewing those Sean John jerseys so she could splash her face in the ocean. I thought that if I looked closer I’d see the whip marks on her back. In my mind then, this narrowed down the scenarios, y’see: this girl is OBVIOUSLY not related to this man, given the complexions of both (I know that sometimes that doesn’t matter but in this particular case it was too far off) so, given the way things work in this country, she’s either a whore or a girl who’s very fucking dumb. In my experience hearing the types of stories I hear, a LOT of women (specially HOT women) apparently find self-worth in being treated like trash by the men they’re emotionally involved in. It boggles the mind, but it’s sadly true. Anyway, I left it at that and didn’t think too much of it… now I’m lying down and 2SXC said this guy threw a shoe at the poor girl and I automatically tuned in. I looked back, took a mental picture and listened in on this guy’s tirade against the poor dumb teen… I’ll try to make a scenario in your mind: picture a sunny morning, you’re closest to the shore lying on a towel and you look back. Somewhat in front of you, a bald, hairy-chested man is standing next to his hot blonde girlfriend, who’s lying down on her towel catching some rays. This man, we concluded, liked to tan standing up for some reason. Behind them was the couple in question: imagine Babar the elephant if only he was human and at the beach, I guess, sitting next to a cooler on a towel as he’s throwing random stuff around as his shit-fit unfolds. The girl? Feeling sorry for herself, I suppose. I don’t remember exactly what she was doing, but in my mind she was on her knees bowing down to this jackass so he forgives her for whatever insignificant shit she could have done. Behind them, Little shacks with hammacks. Behind those, trees. Now imagine this guy, who’s already throwing sports bottles and her stuff all around the sand, screaming at the top of his lungs in a rather thick Dutch accent, slurring his “R”’s and “V”-ing his “W”’s, what I’m about to paraphrase. Keep in mind I might have forgotten some of the things he said so, naturally, I’ll make them up:

“FUCK! Vee do vhat I vant! Fucking MIERRRDA! Fuck, shit! Vamos a cotar a-ho-ra!! Fucking MIERRRDA! You vitch, vamo a costar a-ho-ra! Shit! Go avay, now! *huffing and puffing* Fuck… fucking MIERRRDA!”

Fucking. Mierda. He said “fucking mierda.” A Dutch guy with the spanish of a Learn-Spanish-the-Easy-Way level one tape, cursing in spanish. “Fucking mierrrda.” There are no words. So, the girl got up and was promptly kicked out of his perimeter, and as she walked away in tears 2SXC was telling me how this wasn’t the first time the sir had screamed at her. I was never told of the specifics regarding the first whiplash this guy unleashed upon her but if it was anything near this one I would’ve loved to see it. Eventually the other girls in our group come over and the first thing they said when they came, namely the one I’m going to call HoneyBrown, was: “Did you hear that ASSHOLE?” Asshole is right. We were all waiting, stalking as the girl finally returns from her exile to a calmed-down whitey ogre after a good half hour, and I don’t remember much of the play-by-play but I do remember that the next thing I see when I tune back in is Babar over there sitting on top of the cooler as the dumb girl was on her knees, looking for something in between his legs.

Mind you, this is 11AM. on a Sunday. As a cute 6-year old girl passed by in front of us going on a horse ride as her entire family of 8, including other children, grandparents and the like looked on I sensed something inherently wrong with the couple’s behavior. I blink and the guy has his hand up her muff and his face fishing for apples on her left breast. Fucking mierda… I guess the guy wasn’t kidding when he said he wanted to go “a costar” or whatever the fuck he wanted to say. A little after that they promptly packed their shit up, letting me witness as he rolled up her Powerpuff Girls towel in order to towel-fuck her as she was bending over, picking her stuff up. They smoke-bombed their asses off the beach soon after to what I can only assume is to “a costar,” whatever that could mean. I think she’ll end up with a black eye. I bet he took her to their room in the most expensive hotel in town, threw their shit on the floor and quiskly smacked her across the face so she drops her ass on the bed, which he’s been eyeing and towel-fucking all morning anyway. As he fucks her up the ass doggy style, he’ll deliver the most powerful donkey punch in the history of the sport only to gorilla mask her and throw her in a dumpster so the cleaning guys can swoop up his trash. I wish I was kidding about this, but my tongue-in-cheek manner speaks the truth, fucking mierda! I dare you to try out an exercise and you’ll see what I mean about HOT women being abused. Guys, girls, sit down with a piece of paper and write down the names of the hottest girls you know. Or better yet, go to your system tray and click open your MSN, Yahoo messenger, Google talk or ICQ list and do the same. If you know them, look into their behavior… if you’re friend enough of these people then the work is done for you and you’ve heard of how their boyfriends physically and psycologically abuse them. If not, then take a moment to talk to them because they probably need it.

The funny thing is I seriously have no idea how these people can even be in the same room together after the girl’s been verbally and phisically abused by their so-called “boyfriends,” let alone proclaim they love these douchebags… of course they love you! Throwing you shoes and pushing you around, degrading you to no more than the empty can of coke I throw to the trash can every day is the stuff love is made of. For sure. And then they ask me why I don’t go steady with anyone… apparently, for me to have a girlfriend in this country easily and effectively I have to be able to punch her and fuck with her mind until she’s reduced to nothing more than the equivalent of the bit of food on my tooth and, you see, I can’t do that. I guess I’m socially retarded in a socially retarded country… go figure.

There is no amount of drug or alcohol that can justify a guy hitting a girl. There should be no apologies that count after that, no “continues,” no crying, begging and feeling sorry for themselves after realizing their hot piece of ass might be waking up from the fucked up Jedi mind trick these guys have pulled on them… none of this should count. No “love” is worth taking this kind of shit. Either that or my perception of the L-word is completely wrong and I should roll down a set of stairs and die.

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