I told you I’d be back. I went out last night to meet this guy, his girlfriend, a bunch of their friends (cool cats, all of them) and of course this lovely girl and we where joined by this guy with a friend later on and I got back home at 3AM so excuse me if I have beer breath and am not as peppy as I usually am. So, I go home yesterday coming out of the office and after getting a call from this pretty woman I decide to take a nap because I hadn’t slept much the night prior; I wake up a little bit before 8PM and Jane said that I should check the comments section on my latest post because I will find some very funny stuff. I did, and by my stars and garters, I think I hit the jackpot of hate comments. Jenny had the crown with this little nilly but I think this Mr. Proud Panamanian put me on the top spot again. When I got in there the battle had already started; Jane was defending me with her ghetto might enhanced. And then people ask me why I’m in love with this woman… fools, I tell you. FOOLS! Anyway, what I’m going to do here, because with the “Proud Panamanian” coming out of the woodwork I now have evidence of what a lot of Panamanian men are like, is that I’ll break down the running commentary starting from when this sir first surfaced from the depths of the sea to wreak havoc on my chunk of the Internet… not only is he an example of the type of man I speak of in the editorial but it also seems that they’re proud of their shortcomings. Sit back, relax, and behold.

1. Bastardizer Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 10:33 am

JAJAJAAJA… I’m not a “VIVIDOR” WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?!?! I just imagined like a Miami Vice drug dealer saying that. I’m so sorry I missed that thing last night… Chulo… and I also heard someone got killed last night at the concert??

Miami Vice drug dealer = José Yiero. God, I loved that movie. It’s coming out on DVD in December, too. I can’t. Fucking. Wait. and yes, sir… you were missed that night. I still haven’t heard about someone getting killed over at the concert, though; could anyone clear this up for us? Inquiring minds would like to know.

2. Yamile Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 12:16 pm

It’s that damn Rob Rivera!
He’s so hot right now!
ref here!

Zoolander! I dismissed the flick as fucking silly and stupid at first but then I caught it on cable and it blew my mind. I used to go to this internet café and my girlfriend at the time as well as the manager of the joint where watching it on the computer and they’re laughing their asses off; didn’t know what the hell was going on… now, I can’t help but quote it like Yamile just did at least once a week… it’s my quota. T-shirt here, and below is a movie you should definitely see if you like over-the-top silly movies… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you (big thanks to Frost for the web find!)… “Nacho Libre:”

3. Lucho Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 1:25 pm

hahahaha youd be amazed at how unkept my hands are, im trying to change that tho so dont be amazed if you see me with black nail polish one of these days, its just to help me stop biting my nails…

You’re one of the exceptions I mentioned in the post, though.

4. Antonio Touriño Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 2:22 pm

En mi grupo operamos mas o menos bajo el codgio que el que tiene paga. Nos resulta bueno a nosotros pq nos conocemos y no nos aprovechamos. Pero, creo que esa filosofía no funciona con extraños…; ) Supongo que soy un chulo… :S Mi novia me invita a comer cuando puede… : D

To which I replied:

5. Rob Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 2:50 pm

Yo hago igual; si quiero/puedo invitar a alguien a algo pues cool y si no pues tambien… si alguien me quiere invitar a algo no me quejo, pero usualmente hay fair play; en las rondas de las pinta cada uno paga una generalmente y asi todos tomaron/gastaron la misma cantidad… Es solo que ese man me k-brió porque se la quería tirar del gallo pechón.

Now, here comes the good part! This is the kind of stuff I just can’t possibly come up with on my own. This guy’s worse than Chtulhu! For the love of Marley, this dude’s on a mission!

6. ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:54 pm

Look ugly american…if you don’t like Panama,Panamanian men or whatever in Panama…PACK YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE PANAMA AND GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY.

There is no need to put down Panamanian men,besides,i THINK YOU ARE JUST PLAIN JEALOUS OF LATINO MEN/PANAMANIAN MEN.ANGLO SAXON MEN ARE TOO SISSY FOR US,PANAMANIAN WOMAN.THE ONLY PANAMANIAN WOMAN WHO MARRIES EXPATS IS BECAUSE SHE IS EITHER TOO SLUT TO GET MARRIED LOCALLY OR SHE IS PLAIN TOO POOR AND WANT
YOUR MONEY….
GO TRAVEL,UGLY AMERICAN.Macho attitude is EVERYWHERE..EVEN IN THE USA,CANADA AND EUROPE…

Have you ever seen/Do you remember how Hulk Hogan was in the 80’s back when he was starting in the WWF? He was 10 shades of crazy. At first I kind of agreed with the Bastardizer’s template of Miami Vice drug kingpin but now that I ponder on it I think I like imagining him as a coked-up Hulk Hogan more. What’s most alarming about this guy is when he says:

GO TRAVEL,UGLY AMERICAN.Macho attitude is EVERYWHERE..EVEN IN THE USA,CANADA AND EUROPE…

If “Macho attitude” is everywhere (I’m sure it is, I’ll give him that much) then, umm… it doesn’t matter to me, because I’m not in it to have sexual encounters with men, so this piece of info is useless. Also, so much time and preparation and the worst insult you could come up with was “ugly American?” What are we, 5 years old? Frankly… I’m disappointed, Proud Panamanian. I could go on, but things are just getting started! I’ll save my shots for later, and that “later” is coming up right now!

7. panajane Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:56 pm

Have you seen my nails lately?? Short but clean.

I think I can safely say that this lady can have the arms of a mantis and I wouldn’t care one iota. Oh, the Proud Panamanian returns… this time, in Spanish!

8. ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:58 pm edit

Oye tu no eres mas que un cabronazo,sexista,machista y maldito.

Esperate que llamo a Migracion para que te deporten,maldito gringo del carajo.

Largate de Panama y no vuelvas nunca mas.
Una plaga como tu merece estar viviendo en Canada o Estados Unidos..no en Panama,porque nos contaminas.
Largate ya !

Wait a second… huh? In a nutshell, the Proud Panamanian (which it’s safe to assume is the ultimate representation of macho and stands right by that) just called me sexist, macho, a bastard and whatever the hell a “cabronazo” is. I don’t know about you, folks, but I think the Proud Panamanian is sending mixed signals here. Immigration doesn’t want anything to do with me, mostly because i’m Panamanian and can’t be deported from my home country. See, this is another thing Panamanians do a lot which is we don’t read. Well, I read. And I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who like to read but it’s obvious to me this character has no idea who the hell he’s dealing with. Ahh, being ridden doggy style by your own emotions… such a sad, sad thing. I think he just called me a virus or something, too. So, if I really do represent freedom of thought and alternative culture like I’ve been hearing lately, then the Proud Panamanian wants it all gone. I repeat: the Proud Panamanian wants freedom of thought and culture out of the country. No wonder we’re fucked as a country. He continues by being uncharacteristically polite with his plea:

9. ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:00 pm edit

yes,short ,war-like and IMPERIALIST.

Do me a favor,go back to your USA and never come back,ok?

I… I don’t even know what the hell he’s trying to say here. Is he saying that Jane’s nails are imperialist? What? The Proud Panamanian’s tricks confuse me. And on a side note, I think it’s adorable that this guy thinks I’m a gringo. Cute as hell; I think I should send him a card. Up next, Jane to the rescue:

10. panajane Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:01 pm

Oye pedazo de estupido, Rob es corto para Roberto y el es Panameno. Talvez deberias de averiguar algunas cositas antes de escribir estupideces. Obviamente este tema te toco algun nervio.

Tu modo de pensar es tan anticuado.

Alright, that’s it. Jane, you and me. Let’s elope. Let’s go to Bocas or Chiriquí or something and grow old together. I’m low maintenance, funny and I love you with every fiber of my being. We would make the Proud Panamanian very happy! Speaking of which, at this point in time I had awaken from my slumber and noticed all of this stuff going on… of course, I was in bliss:

11. Rob Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:06 pm

Hahahaha WOW!!! Mr. Proud Panamanian, I’d love to leave. I say you gather some money for a one way ticket and give it to me; that way I can blog about Panama from abroad!

This is probably the coolest hater EVER.

And for the record, my dad’s from Bocas del Toro and my mom’s from Colon; My country’s this one, sir. How about them apples? Please, read the entire site where I talk about my Panamanian heritage and talk about its ails so you can send more hate comments! I keep getting messages from people talking about you. It’s quite funny.

I keep going, too:

12. Rob Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:07 pm

Y sí, le tocó el nervio. Ella acaba de decir en 3 frases lo que me tomó a mí 3 parrafos… vaya escritor que soy.

I have a point, there. Antonio adds himself to the convo!

13. Antonio Touriño Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 7:47 pm

Solo tengo una cosa que decir…. MIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Gata! : D

This one can go one of two ways: he’s either speaking about Jane which, if I may say so, is right on the money; the lady fanned out her claws, it was amazing and downright heartwarming. If he’s talking about the Proud Panamanian though then I want to assume this person’s a girl because I have it on good authority that I piss women off easily so it’s not that far fetched, and if the Proud Panamanian is a guy and reading this (I know you are, you cheeky mumkee!) then he/she/it is gonna be even more pissed now. Such is the way of the Macho Man.

14. Frost Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 7:52 pm

lmao

that is all.

I second that sentiment. Before meeting the guys and gals for beers I call Jen so she can read the madness going on here and this morning she dropped this off on the comments section:

15. 2SXC Said:

October 6th, 2006 at 6:34 am

DAMN!! Hahaha yes Rob, you definetely won the crown back for Hate Comments. I was called a fat, hateful, angry judgemental bitch in my blog because of my feelings towards speedos (although I was backed on it more than once)….but I was never told to leave Panama…pats on the fucking back man! Hahahaha

This girl is probably one of the coolest people I will ever meet. You should check out her blog, too… it’s hilarious. That speedo’s story is also noteworthy so be sure to check it out. We’re heading to the home stretch too so don’t worry, esteemed reader! The torture will end soon!

16. Bastardizer Said:

October 6th, 2006 at 6:44 am

Oh Mr. Proud Panamanian… You are showing you Alpha macho state right now by posting this hate comment… And yes, Rob is CEDULA 8… ES MAS MORON, LLAMA A MIGRACION PARA QUE QUEDES COMO UN IMBECIL.

I’m gonna scan my I.D (my scanner’s at Lucho’s but I’ll see what I do to have that done and I’ll post it here… hell, I’ll do a header, even) so you can see it, Mr. Proud Panamanian. This guy’s comment hits the nail on the head, though: as you can clearly tell from his/her/it’s comments, the Proud Panamanian is macho, likes his/her/it’s women to be submissive and weak, and has a disliking for ex-pats and gringos… stuff of which I’m neither. The Proud Panamanian can’t read well so he/she/it jumps to conclusions and goes on and on about me leaving my country and capping my freedom of speech because he can’t take on the truth? Fuck you. Panama’s famous for its corruption and sleaziness just as much as it is for its beautiful scenery, and ignoring the former isn’t gonna make it go away. At least I’m pointing the problems out so that people both here and abroad are sparked into doing something about it and therefore eradicate idiots like this person off the face of the Earth. This is the type of person who would not let his significant other work or study because, according to him, it’s not her role. To the Proud Panamanian, it seems to me, women only serve for being a cum depository and a 24/7 maid. Fuck you. It’s disgusting. the Proud Panamanian is disgusting and I’m tired of making an ass out of you. There are more comments coming in so check out the post here if you’re interested. I’d like to thank everyone who came in and defended me… you’re great friends. I know that my thoughts get me in trouble and knowing this you still put your hand in the fire and stick up for me… thank you very much. And thank you, reader, for finding the funny in me stirring the shit. Now, I could use some breakfast.

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