What does it take for someone to believe in another? Is it a higher call, or is this just our desire to believe that there’s someone greater than ourselves pulling the strings so that we can feel better whenever we fail to accomplish something? Panama, being the melting pot of race and culture that it is, has been influenced by many different streams of thought and we’re very lucky that there’s a lot of tolerance between them; mostly catholic and christian, the Panamanian populace still has many other different beliefs under its belt and to a degree your religion kind of slips you into somewhat of a stereotype without really wanting to. Personally, I cringe a little whenever I hear about how someone does something due to God’s will. Now, this is not to say that I’m an atheist or whatever conclusion you want to make out of the former statement because I still need that certain something hanging over my head that tells me there’s more than just us at work here, but I’ll tell you right now that religion, as an institution, is a very dangerous thing in my opinion. Panama (as a government) has pronounced itself in favor of the United States’ efforts in the current Iraqui war but Panama (the country) doesn’t know what’s at stake over there and most importantly, they don’t care. We’re too busy trying to survive and wish that God finally lends us the helping hand… the reasons as to why Panama would actually make an official opinion on the matter are as plentiful as there are types of colors, but most of them come from a political nature: the free trade treaty we’re currently negotiating, the Panama Canal, real estate and other economically important endeavours are what bullied us into taking sides. And in many respects, that’s what religion is: taking sides. If you’ve ever heard of the phrase “you’re either with us or against us” then you might know what I mean; religion can make people so delirious, so fanatical that they’ll stand by what they believe in until death, and the protection of one’s ideals is always worth defending, of course, but when you have people so maniacal that they regress to an almost childlike state where if you believe anything but what he or she believes, you’re inherently wrong and belong in the stake.

We have Catholic, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, Buddhism, Mormons, Jehova’s Witnesses, Atheists, and even Scientologists, among many others. Each one with their own belief systems and institutions that enforce the worship of their gods and the practice of their beliefs. There’s even some cults that have been widely ridiculed in the media and stripped apart of their mystique only to reveal how much of money grubbers they truly are. A lot of Panamanians believe that the only way they’re going to feel closer to God is through the churches and other places of worship and that’s fine since it’s part of the human being’s rationale to find a place and a time for everything, specially when it comes to praying and waiting for miracles to happen. Mass, funerals and other events you would do in a church are taken very seriously in Panama just like in the rest of the world, and in many respects the church is just as hypocritical as it’s ever been. The fan base for this is huge, and they’re fanatical enough to thank God for everything they’ve ever accomplished as well as leave Him off the hook whenever things go wrong. All in all, it’s a very sweet deal to be the Almighty One, specially when you have several factions fighting each other all in your name.

Look at the Middle East conflict; not just the Iraqi War (even though it’s another prime example of not only how fanatical religious types can be but also how the media plays such an important role in our perceptions on the whole ordeal) but also the Palestinian-Israeli conflict. That fight is fierce and the very definition of the modern reincarnation of a Holy War if there ever was one. It’s a very serious matter, but I can’t help but see that particular conflict in the same ways as Dr. Seuss’ “Butter Battle Book:” two factions fighting over which side of the same piece of toast is the right one to put the butter on. It automatically deflates the whole thing for me, making it no more than two quarreling children over something silly… but then I remember they have weapons and the stakes go right the hell up again. Speaking of “weapons,” I want to point something out regarding the Iraqi War… food for thought, I suppose. If you want to hear how Americans view Iraq and its people then look no further than Fox News, a totally right-wing news channel that paints America as a savior to the poor Middle East because they don’t know any better. Now, put yourself in their shoes. An Iraqi’s shoes, if he has any.

So, I’m hanging out in my home with my wife and 13 kids. It’s a sunny day, but is there any other kid around these parts? Must get water and food. My overlord is good to me, ruling me over from the Persian Castle that cost him $4 billion dollars… it’s a good life, all in all. I’ve never known anything else, and I’m content with that. One day though, these crazy Americans jump out of their helicopters and spawn out of the ground with the biggest weapons I’ve ever seen, telling me they’ve come to “liberate” me. Liberate me from what? They’re saying my overlord is a dictator and that he treats me very badly. Well, I’ve never known anything else so how should I know? I’ll tell you one thing, though… this American soldier treating me like shit while he’s “liberating” me sure upsets me. They’re telling me what to do, what to eat, how I should behave and they’re changing my entire way of life to their own because they believe that their’s is better. Well, I liked my system of living a lot before you got here, ugly American. Maybe I want to preserve my way of life… isn’t that what “freedom” is about? Isn’t it about doing what you want to do and not let anyone tell you? Kind of like what you people are doing… somehow, not only am I not getting more now than I did before, but presently things are kind of worse. The other day my friend Abdhullah was shot in the head because one of your soldiers thought he had a bomb under his clothes… it was just a rattling toy he had bought for one of his children. Ever since the attacks on 9/11 done by people that neither me nor my former overlord knew you’ve been talking this whole lot about freedom, so then instead of looking for the people responsible for the thing that was done to you, you destroy their country and out on a whim come to mine to “liberate” me? Just like your own people, who are living in fear and paranoia? No, thank you… In fact, I never asked for your help. I didn’t need your your help to begin with… I think I want you out of my country; how can I make you understand that you’re not welcome here anymore? Fight fire with fire, I guess. I will shoot you now, so you know how it feels.

That’s how you create a freedom fighter.

Believing in something without exactly knowing why you do is a very dangerous thing. Belief in something implies that you’ll stand by it no matter what, but everything with tolerance… which is something that apparently we as individuals lack, and we somehow compensate with a ridiculous amount of conviction in a person, place, thing or idea that might or might not be in your best interests. These times it’s so hard to believe in one another… there’s just so much people keep to themselves, so much they conceal as we all hide behind our walls so as to not let anyone in and make a habit of feeling bad about ourselves half the time just so that we can feel alive. Whatever happened to believing in one’s self? Who cares if you have a beer belly, who cares if you don’t like certain things about yourself when someone else believes that everything you do is perfect? It takes a real jackass to not see it when he’s in front of it and if it’s really the case then we’re all jackasses, since we’ve all been in that compromising spot before. Since when did it become a bad thing to believe in people?

I’ve come to realize that we’re in a point in time where everyone pushes on forward on their own, without truly acknowledging one another. It happened to me on Monday, in fact, how I was talking to someone who I care for; we were having a rather deep conversation and I’ve never made any qualms about telling people how I feel about them… in many ways it leaks out of me when I’m around them. It’s a thing about patience; there’s never gonna be a good time to say something heartfelt so I say you might as well go ahead and say it, y’know? It’s always touching to hear nice things from other people. Anyway, we were having this deep conversation and she tells me that she thinks I’ve made her out to be this great extraordinary thing that she really isn’t and all I can do, in my mind, is think of how that’s pretty much the single most stupidest thing I’ve heard all year. It’s kind of crushing how a) for as smart as she is, she’s not grasping my concept of her very well and b) how socially unacceptable believing in someone seems to be. I believe in this person. I believe she can do extraordinary things if only she stopped being so indecisive about every little thing. Is that so wrong? All of the members of Porto Diao are there because I believe that they can do great things and they are, actually. I mean, I know that I love being supported. It feels great to be cheered on and it feels great when someone offers to help me with the same enthusiasm I have. Is it really a sin to believe in people, though? Sometimes this girl makes me sad. She sounds so let down that believing in her is just not enough. Even if it’s me who believes in her, and I like to think I’m pretty important in her life.

Panamanians have trust issues that are inherent in the way we’re taught how to approach life, with the whole “Juega Vivo” school of thought. No wonder we like to live out our lives with as much drama as possible. Personally I don’t think I can call myself an exception because if there’s something I’ve learned is that everyone has drama in their lives. It’s a universal thing… we can say we don’t like or want drama but the mere fact we talk and interact with each other is enough for us to have to shut our mouths. There is no such thing as an absence of drama. And since drama is so embedded in our lives, seeing so much depressing shit happening all around us then it shouldn’t be a surprise to see how much lack of faith in ourselves we have, instead looking up to the skies to tell your God of preference how you seek their guidance in whatever drama you’ve managed to cook up for yourself, you jackass.

Hell, sometimes I believe God is a woman. Sometimes I believe it’s Bob Marley. Sometimes I believe it’s a fucking shoe, the point being that I can make that choice since I believe in myself enough to be cocky about what I chose to deposit belief into. I tend to believe in people and their capacity for overcoming their fears… it’s why I like to push their buttons so much and push their limits of tolerance ’til the point where it’s almost uncomfortable; trust me when I tell you that all of those boundaries are imaginary. It’s maddeningly frustrating to see people who are convinced they’re right about their grim, pessimist and grounded outlook to life that it brings me down. The same person I was talking about earlier would keep going on about how no one is safe from getting hurt, no one is gorgeous, everyone and everything sucks, and her demeanor portrayed how she can be so outright dumped about everything that makes me think just exactly what it is I see in her that makes me even want to talk to her. She’s Panamanian, mind you. I hear this crap a lot, too. I mean, shit, I get sad and pissed like anyone else but I never turn this pessimistic. It must be my unabashed appreciation for the BeeGees. God, I love the BeeGees. Anyway, belief is a very tricky thing to stand behind for, specially when the object of your belief is of flesh and bone and most importantly in the same level as you are. We always look up to and “believe” in superstars and ideas and theologies… all of them things we can’t really touch. But to believe in someone you can so much as call and see for yourself tends to be, dare I say it, a leap of faith for a lot of people… how terribly sad that is.

[L:74] Belief, for Kant, is a form of judging something to be true, intermediate between mere opinion and certain knowledge. To believe something in this sense is to judge that it is true by virtue of “a ground that is objectively insufficient but subjectively sufficient”; in mere opinion neither are sufficient, in knowledge both conditions are met.

This girl I know? The pessimist I’ve been talking about? She’s most definitely far from perfect. She pisses me off with her insecurity and indecisiveness in the things that truly matter. She says she doesn’t like drama (like we all say) but I’m 200% sure she’s knee-deep in it right now, as I write this. Do I love her as a person? Of course I do, because if I didn’t then I wouldn’t believe in her and what she’s capable of. I thought about what she told me when she said she thought I made her out to be the grandest shit the universe has ever expelled or something ridiculous like that, and maybe I see something in her she herself doesn’t, or isn’t. She’s just a little twinkle in the grand scheme of things, as am I. But hell, if we believed in each other instead of fueling our own insecurities then maybe we’d be able to shine a little brighter. Panama, as a country, needs a shot in the arm when it comes to this… I’ve said it many a time before: just like this girl, she has potential but she’s so sunk into herself and feeling like shit that she can’t even see it.

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