Rob-Rivera.com

Rants From a Drunken Writer

It’s officially 2:51AM where I am right now and I’m drunk enough to tell that I’m drunk at the moment but not drunk enough to not remember what has happened. What happened tonight was inconsecuential even though I had a great time with my friend Patrick but the rant I would like in fact get involved with is: what is it with people and fear? I don’t know, really. Sometimes I feel like I’m wasting my time. I don’t know if you come to this site regularly and already know about whatever I have to say (if i do then I thank you in advance and, while we’re at it, apologize for the following rant) nut if you have then you’ve notice the recent overhaul I’ve had been going through in my life. It’s more significant than I dare to admit but it’s still poignant to mention because now it’s just becoming frustrating. Now, I have a great day with 2SXC and eventually HoneyBrown, both of these girls which I love with every fiber of my being, and then I decide to stay home only to be dragged out by the most silliest excuse to see my torment, which I wasn’t expecting on seeing anyway. My questuion is, dear reader, why would anyone subject his or herself to a situation where he didn’t feel appreciated? Now, the way I see it (and this is me taking advantage of my drunkennesss to get this out of my chest and hopefully have it hit the appropiate parties) is that not only do I feel neglected aqnd forced to mingle with other people, something which I think is fine considering I0′m a sociable guy, but not only that but feel like I’m in a fucking race to get some attention. I’m a proud guy, folks. I don’t like to feel like I’m doing pony tricks in order to get anyone’s attention, but for some fucking inexplicable reason, possibly fueled by this girl’s indiference due to her utter fear, I feel neglected and like what i said never counted worth a damn.

I am who I am, kids. I’m as bad as it gets but holy crap if thst doesn’t sting. If you’re ever in the uncomfortable position of power to make or break another human being please be gentle and make your resolution as quickly as possible because the more you wait and mess around with your own personal fears then the more you’re playing with the wound. The more it sucks. Put yourself in his or her shoes: why the hell would you put someone in such a suspense like that? Hopefully you’re a semi-adult in your twenties and understand my predicament. I ask you, fellow reader: hHave you ever been in a situation where you’re let yourself be totally exposed and coincidentally been played out for a full? This is the kind of stuff that makes people go monk and loose their faith in the opposite sex.

It’s 3:16AM and I’m eating s Niko’s Cafe Gyro as I type this. I think i saw what you might call a celebrity when I was ordering this, but I was too busy laughing at the prospect… shje would be “bocerrón.” Oh God, I have to tell you the story of bocerrón! She’s uber hot but talks like a man, it’s funny as hell. Can’t really write about it because it’s much more funy when I tell it live so the next time you see me please, I beg of you, to ask me about the bocerrón storey; I love telling it.

It’s 3:20AM and I take another bite off my gyro. The Niko’s Café in el Doprado is the best place to get a gyro… I remember Magnus told me that a while ago and it always sticked in my memory; i’ve gone ever since. I think about what my life would be in Volcán and smile. I realize that my torment doesn’t want drama but she has inadvertedly, with her behavior, become drama herself; it proves to me how easy people solve shit by just being honest and talking to each other. 3:24AM and I bite on my gyro again. My macho man Latino side comes out and thinks about other guys talking to my torment and while I squat down said assumptions I can’t help but feel like bashing some skulls in; I feel like I’m the best. The alpha male… for some intermitent moments I become that which I hate so much. I want the gyro to be over so I can stop thinking about the beer today, my torment, what I ould’ve said to rattle some cages, whether it worked or not, questions, questions, questions, feeling negleted, feeling like I’m a nuisance, a bother, a fly you swoosh away… and I think that I can’t believe I’m setting so much aside for this crap. I keep hoping “Rob, you motherfucker, you better come through and come out with some closure here ‘cuz if not I’ll kick your FUCKING ASS and you’ll deserve it!!!” I will deserve it. I’ve given up on a lot for this… I better god damn see it through, dammit. 3:30AM, another bite of my taco and I wonder what she thinks of all of this. I have so many questions that need answering and I have so many answers to give that, now that I think about it, being scared opf it all is fucking ridiculous. Either it really is true what they say about high school never ending or I’m just gonna continue with these endless cycles until I grow old and die, wondering about the “could have been.” Once again, I contemplate life in Volcán. In order to get out of here and forget, I would do anything.

3:35AM; my gyro’s haflway down my belly and I think about my Canadians. I love them. I do, because theuy’re the only uncomplicated thing in my life. They are what they are, and I love them for it. Everything else, no matter what it is and no matter how much I try to straighten it out id always complicated and full or red tape… if only everything was like they are; I’d be so much happier than I already am. I can’t even begin to express how much of a limbo of thoughts and emotions I feel like I am right now; I want for someone specifically to save me, and this is me at my most selfish, I suppose… but if she’s scared and I’m scared then what the hell’s gonna come out of anything? I’m a sitting duck and I’m not being acknowledged for my frickin’ efforts; this sucks. Instead I have to deal with “rounds” and “friends.” No wonder I feel like I’m wasting my breath sometimes. Why am I being stringed along so much? Is it me? Am I trying too hard? Am I reading the sygnals wrong?  What is it? I want to know; anything but another night of feeling like I’m haging out with everyone else but with you. I feel like you’re scared to talk to me and I don’t know what it is I do other than to be myself, so I just leave you alone and what the hell? I just don’t know what to think.

I know that a lot of you are going to think “what in the hell is this drunken asshole talking about?” but as long as my writings are read by the appropiate parties then hopefully it’ll stick and hopefully something will be done about it. I’m gonna go to bed now because it’s 3:44AM now, it’s late and I’m pretty damn sleepy. I will talk to you later in the day today, and well… all I have to say now is: Happy Birthday, Bloque!

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