I decided to take Labor Day off because I am Panamanian and, by association, lazy. I make no qualms about it: I love to have as many free days as I can to vegetate and grow roots to the couch. There was a cause to go outside this year’s Labor Day, though. One that would see both car enthusiasts and fans of car crashes alike congregate in an unlikely event that never before had Panamanians witnessed. It was all over the news, with billboards all over, building up to be the one event you did not have to miss. Calle 50, one of the main traffic arteries of Panama City, would be closed off from one end to the other in order to make way for one of the most incredible inventions made by man in the history of histories. Oh yes, none of us would be prepared for the awesome magnitude of its presence.

Oh yeah. Formula 1 is comin’ to town.

If this doesn’t make you tight in the pants, then fear not because it doesn’t make the least bit of action in my nether region either. When I first heard that the Red Bull Formula 1 team would come to Panama as part of a promotional tour spanning South America to spark people’s interest in the “sport,” I automatically assumed that the perfect scenario would present itself… one that would actually make me feel compelled to go witness live.

Not only would the Red Bull Formula 1 vehicles show up, but perhaps some of their partners would. It was an exhibition after all, and having 10, 20, or even 30 of those cars stroll down Calle 50 would indeed be priceless.

At least one of those beasts would reach their top speed and blow the living hell out of my ear lobes with the haulin’ engine.

There would be Red Bull girls.

When the information started coming to the media about the details of the event, I saw a steady decline in my encouragement to attend the proceedings. No Red Bull girls; instead we’d get 20-year old Adrian Zaugg, from South Africa, taking the Red Bull F-1 vehicle up and down Calle 50 5 or 6 times at blinding speeds north of… 270 KPH? That’s about 165 MPH or so, if my math is still “mediocre” good. I don’t mean to brag or anything and 275 KPH sure is impressive by general standards, but I thought they’d give the car something more of a challenge. I’ve been in cars with worn out tires going at 210 KPH on Avenida Balboa, on a Friday night and after it rained. My friends won’t let me lie about it, and it’s in those times where I have genuinely feared for my life. So, to tell me that this unstoppable driving machine will come down here and drive under its full potential is downright ridiculous. I asked Wiki about F-1 cars and this is what she told me:

Formula One, abbreviated to F1, and also known as Grand Prix racing, is the highest class of auto racing defined by the Fédération Internationale de l’Automobile (FIA), motor sport’s world governing body. The “formula” in the name is a set of rules which all participants and cars must meet. The F1 world championship season consists of a series of races, known as Grands Prix, held usually on purpose-built circuits, and in a few cases on closed city streets. The results of each race are combined to determine two annual World Championships, one for drivers and one for constructors.

It is a massive television event, with millions of people watching each race in 200 countries. The cars race at high speeds, often greater than 300 km/h (190 mph) and are capable of pulling up to 4 g in some corners. The formula introduces a number of restrictions and specifications that cars must meet. These are designed, amongst other things, to keep the ever-increasing cornering speeds in safe ranges. The performance of the cars is highly dependent on electronics, aerodynamics, suspension and tyres. The formula has seen many evolutions and changes through the history of the sport. There have been many different types of engines; normally aspirated, supercharged and turbocharged, ranging from straight-4 to H16, with displacements from 1.5 litres to 4.5 litres. The maximum power achieved in the history of the series was around 1,200 bhp (900 kW) in racing trim, during the 1980s turbo era.

I’m of the school that says “if you’re going to do something, make sure you do it right.” It’s not exactly my mantra but more of a guideline, and this event pisses all over it. What’s 25 KPH, you ask? Everything. Then and there I decided I wouldn’t go to Calle 50, also in part because the rainy season started and it’s customary for heavy rain to fall at around the time the F-1 would start doing its laps (1PM). Of course, I was counting on the national TV channels to broadcast live and I wasn’t disappointed; Channel 9 had a full account of the goings-on, as 2 commentators talked random F-1 banter as they waited for the Red Bull car to return from doing its first lap (I tuned in a wee bit late). I was drowsy because it had just rained cats and dogs as I first suspected and for a while I didn’t think they were going to go with it. Then again, I remembered that F-1 cars aren’t built like the ones us mere mortals use, and one of the benefits of driving one of those is that the tires have a ridiculously stronger grip. Of course, that didn’t stop the Red Bull team from telling the pilot to refrain from taking the vehicle up to top speed because the asphalt was not only wet, but also inadequate for the press gimmick.

The girl commentator really did her research, as opposed to the guy who was there under the same frame of mind as most spectators were (“I have no idea what this is about, but I’ll take any opportunity to drink beer on the street so I’m there”). As I waited for the car to return from its first lap, the camera rig shakily brimming with anticipation as it looked out on the empty road far away, the girl informed me of a series of things that happened behind the scenes with the whole Red Bull event. The team of experts basically took a look at the road and called “bullshit” on it, saying it’s not ideal for the F-1 car. But alas, if Yahweh gives you lemons, you make lemonade. I also learned from the girl’s lovely stream of info that they had blocked off the causeway at Amador for the F-1 to do some laps over there. They even had a nifty remote-controlled helicopter with a camera rig set up under its body to follow the car as it made its laps through the narrow road. That was quite cool, I had to admit.

At that point they had some shots of the vehicle up close and I never quite noticed one of those as much as I did that day. As they showed the different views of the vehicle the girl would talk about its specs, how it has a manual drive yet the speeds are changed via buttons on the steering wheel, how the seat is made in such a way that the pilot is halfway through sitting and lying down while driving (which is true. I know because of vast experience via many F-1 arcade games), why the grip on the tires is so insane, and other tidbits that casual viewers would find interesting.

And then the car started coming down the road. You could tell it was making 200 KPH or so coming down the street, slowing down as it came near to the starting line. Once there, the guy proceeded to show off by doing these series of 360 degree turns, over and over and over. Zaugg did it seamlessly, too; he would waved as the deafening sound of the engine and white smoke coming from the tires and asphalt would engulf the area around the car. After the series of turns, he stopped abruptly and stormed off for lap 2. The whole thing must’ve been a whopping 20-second moment of pure testosterone ejaculation. As the car drove off for Lap 2, the girl commentator mentioned that the vehicle in question could go from 0 to 160 KPH in under 5 seconds. That, my friends, is impressive. Ironically, it’d take the car a little over 2 minutes to make the turn from the 1.3 KM track set up out of Calle 50… what a bunch of spoiled potential.

The Red Bull F-1 car has a 900 horsepower engine and, even though it’s been out of the official Red Bull F-1 lineup since 2006 because of a new model that has replaced it, the vehicle thousands of people saw for mere blinks every now and then can still bring in the noise, bring in the funk.

My favorite part of the whole thing was the interviews, though. It showed the nature of our culture to the T, and I would like to re-enact one of the exchanges for you all at this time. You will not be disappointed:

Reporter: […] And that’s how the vehicle is capable of going from 0 to 160 in 5 seconds… but what everyone at home really wants to know is what the fans think. Here we have an avid F-1 fan with us right now. The question I want to ask you is: what do you think of the Red Bull F-1 car?

Fan: It’s… very impressive. Spectacular.

Reporter: It is spectacular. And what did you think… what did you think about the turns the car did?

Fan: [pause] Very impressive. Spectacular.

Reporter: What did you think about the sound of the engine?

Fan: [pause] I was impressed. It was very loud.

Reporter: You are right! I see you are very impressed. What about the smoke? Did you like the smoke…?

Fan: Yes… It smells very bad.

Reporter: The burnt rubber smell is very… peculiar, yes. Are you a big F-1 fan?

Fan: Of course!!! That’s why I’m here! I love cars.

Report: Perfect! So, who’s your favorite F-1 team?

Fan: …

Reporter: …

Fan: …

Reporter: …

Fan: …

Reporter: …

Fan: Uhh…

Reporter: As a fan of Formula One racing, what’s your favorite racing team?

Fan: Ahh…

Reporter: Maybe McLaren, Ferrari, Red Bull, who is the team sponsoring this event today or-

Fan: Yes!!! Red Bull. Red Bull is my favorite team, yes.

Reporter: Ok… who is your favorite pilot?

Fan: …

Reporter: *sigh*

Fan: Uhh…

Reporter: Perhaps it’s 20-year old Adrian Zaugg, who is the pilot for today’s exhibition and reserve driver for Red-

Fan: Yes!!! Yes, him. I like him. He’s my favorite pilot.

Reporter: Sure. Let’s ask this kid, because children are big fans of Formula One racing, too. What is your name?

Kid Fan: Carlos…

Reporter: Hi, Carlos! Did you like the F-1 car?

Kid Fan: [pause] Yes…

Reporter: What did you like of it?

Kid Fan: …

Reporter: …

Kid Fan: …

Reporter: …

Kid Fan: …

Reporter: …

Kid: Umm…

Reporter: Did you like the smoke?

Kid Fan: Smoke smells bad.

Reporter: Yes, you’re right! And the engine, did you like the sound of the motor?

Kid Fan: It was really loud!

Reporter: Okay, then. Let’s see if the F-1 is coming back… please?

All went well in the end. The show started at around 1:10PM and all was said and done by 2PM. Later I found out that there was a Go Kart exhibition that called to my attention much more than this publicity stunt, and there was also a modified car show or something of the sort. What’s cool about stuff like this is that at least Panama is being considered as a stop for any international promotion campaign, and that only help. The cleanup for Calle 50 was also rather quick, considering they had about 12 hours to clear the sides of the road, take off the barricades off the streets that feed into Calle 50, clean up the road itself, rehabilitate the stop lights and leave everything like they found it. I was driving down the street picking up some movies for rent by 8PM.

Here’s some video from the event:

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