Rob-Rivera.com

Rob Can Be a Real Dick

So, where do I start? This site has quickly become my conduit for frustrations and debauchery; when I started this place in particular 6 months ago the premise was that I wasn’t going to censor myself, anything I had in my mind worth talking about goes to print and I wasn’t going to take anything off if someone asked me to. I would apologize if I hurt anyone’s sensibilities since that’s one of the side effects of having an opinion… but nothing goes down. The pen is mightier than the sword and all that, and besides I’m not the type to back out on what I say on any particular subject. Now this, combined with my uncanny ability to seclude myself ina  bubble of bliss, naive to whatever feelings other people might have about what I say, can make me a seriously inconsiderate dick. “I am who I am, I’m Popeye the Sailor Man” and I don’t think about who or what I’m going to piss off today with what I write because that kind of defeats the point of having a blog and being able to express your opinion to the world at large… my chunk of the Internet has quickly made me realize though that not thinking about what I write and who will end up reading it is a serious mistake, and it’s one that’s been a negative badge for years. When I disappoint someone I somehow manage to do it with the most irresponsible, downright idiotic thing I can do that out of sheer luck or whatever managed to hit just the right nerves for that person to wish me dead, and it’s happened many a time before. Many, many times. Now, even in my attempt to try and fix that inherent problem with me I’ve managed to fuck up a relationship that’s been quite important for me for a considerable amount of time in such a way that I’m pretty sure I’ve single-handedly ruined it. Not gonna get into specifics because it’s none of your business, but if there’s anything this week has made me realize is that my way of dealing with important relationships is downright ridiculous. Looking into what’s been going on this week I’ve become quite aware that the main reason why my previous relationships haven’t worked the way I would’ve liked them to work was because of my torment, someone I talk about every now and then. She is what she is for a reason, and this week I decided to not only do something about her but about every other person, place and thing that was limiting me from attaching myself emotionaly to anyone. So, what do I do? This. Personal achievement aside, I’m for damn sure now that Thursday was unscripted and it played itself out by chance, but my order for “preparing” was downright atrocious and as a result I probably ruined a really great thing I had going on in my life. If there’s a horrible feeling in the world then it’s the one that lets you know that you’re 100% responsible for the total destruction of something that is good for you and you took for granted due to your ignorant bliss. No apology is enough, no actions will sufice and nothing will undo what you have done. Absolutely horrible. And it’s all my fault. I was so hell bent in ridding myself of my demons that I didn’t take into account the people on the sidelines that had no idea what I was doing, and I’m a downright dick for that. I could say that people make mistakes and they aren’t perfect but I myself wouldn’t take that as the right kind of apology. In fact, not much would suffice at this point in time.

I’d like to take this moment and tell you that you have no idea how sorry I am about not thinking things through. I should’ve known better than not to wing the exorcising of my demons the way I did. For once I am the one who deserves a punch in the face. To think that you pushed me into finally doing something about these people, individuals who have held me back for so long, and then in doing so stepping over everything I was doing this for is downright cynical and insanely messed up; there are no apologies that should suffice, and any excuse that I could give now (no matter how valid or not) should not do. I feel like an idiot, and this gamble came out bad for me because I am selfish idiot thanks to my demons, and to get rid of them in exchange for ruining something that was just right is not worth the risk it represents at all. I apologize, I wasn’t thinking and what’s done is done. There’s no undoing anything, and I’m paying a high price for it.

This is a big flaw in this frickin’ gray area I now want to get rid of: the people you hurt along the way. This is one of those times where “ignorance is bliss” doesn’t apply at all, and I’m a fool for using it as my mantra for everything relationship-related because it’s been the easy way out since I’ve been too much of a chicken shit to break the shackles before-time. This week has been an eye-opener in more ways than one… not only have I been facing my personal monsters head-on and succeeding, but I’ve also realized that I’ve been going about these things all wrong. I wish I knew what’s going to happen… I wish I did. I don’t though, and of course it doesn’t feel good enough for either me nor anyone else with the right head above his/her shoulders. She’s right. No one likes being number two. And it’s because of it that I’ve done all I’ve done this week… cleaning up the house; as is my usual M.O though, I’ve gone about it all wrong. Heh, irony. I’ve really cleaned up the house now. Who knows how or why Thursday happened… I don’t know a damn thing, to tell you the truth. All eyes are on me, though. Great way to clean up the slate, Robert. G-r-e-a-t…………. *sigh*.
That’s it. I will talk about Chitré tomorrow, sans the soul searching that led to this oh-so-shocking conclusion, so stay tuned if you wish. This place will be more of a site and less of a “blog” from now on, I promise and apologize while I’m at it.

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