So, yes. I’m an asshole. The first time I realized this was over lunch in a cute outdoors restaurant in Bocas del Toro many years ago. I will not tell you what exactly happened because I’m a tease like that, but it took a really good friend of mine to scream this at me from across the table at some point between eating my fish and paying the bill. Of course, at the moment it baffled me but, in retrospect, I deserved it. I really did. So, as I write this today many years later and with the experience self-awareness provides, I can tell you with great amount of property what an asshole is and, by proxy, what a douchebag is. How can I spot a douchebag when I see one, though? What gives me the right to break down what a douchebag is when I’ve just declared myself an asshole? Ahh, I thought you’d never ask.

From Wikipedia:

In Greek mythology, Nemesis (in Greek, Νέμεσις), also called Rhamnousia/Rhamnusia (“the goddess of Rhamnous“) at her sanctuary at Rhamnous north of Marathon, was the spirit of divine retribution against those who succumb to hubris, vengeful fate personified as a remorseless goddess. The name Nemesis is related to the Greek word νέμειν, meaning “to give what is due”. The Romans equated the Greek Nemesis as Invidia (Aronoff 2003).

Nemesis is now often used as a term to describe one’s worst enemy, normally someone or something that is the exact opposite of oneself but is also somehow similar. For example, Professor Moriarty is frequently described as the nemesis of Sherlock Holmes.

In everyday society, a nemesis is defined as a righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. I’m sure everyone has their personal nemesis, as strong a word as it is. As it often is with great rivalries, one of their poignant traits is the fact that, even though they have stark, opposite views on whatever struggle they have, in the end they are very much alike. Professor Moriarty is intelligent, cunning and packs a punch, just like Sherlock Holmes. Batman and the Joker are both incredibly smart sociopaths with views on how the world should be that are opposites, but just as absolute. The asshole and the douchebag are, for all intents and purposes, quite alike: their egos are unmatched, they’re arrogant, often think they’re right about everything, are stubborn, thick and, more often than not, lovable rouges. No matter how much of a dick he/she can be, you can’t help but keep coming back to them. “So then, you asshole,” you must be asking yourself, “what’s the difference between you and a douchebag, if you’re so alike?”  Well, simple: Unlike the douchebag, the asshole is always honest.

The asshole carries an imperative sense of self-awareness that he uses on the world around him. An asshole is such because he will be honest with you, no matter what. No matter where, when, how or with who, and often he needs no reasons as to “why” other than it being in his nature to be honest and not care how you’re going to take such honesty. This is tied to political correctness, whereas many people don’t say what they mean or don’t act like they would really like, the asshole has a reckless abandon that allows him to have a lot of freedom in simply not caring about how his surroundings react to his actions. He is totally aware of this, though. he knows what he’s doing and is aware of the impact his actions will cause. Sometimes assholes like to see it happen. Sometimes, assholes like to watch the world burn. An agent of chaos, if you will.

The douchebag is not an agent of chaos, though. While a d-bag’s behavior parallels that of my kind, there is a crutch: he is not honest. In some cases with his surroundings, in other cases with himself but the douche is not truthful. Often scared and with insecurities due to lack of self-awareness. Can the douchebag turn into an asshole? Sure. A more appropriate question would be if a douche can become self-aware. I’d like to think so. Shit, I sure hope so. While the asshole is dangerous because he will point to the pink elephant in the room while no one else will, the douchebag won’t even see the elephant to begin with, yet continue his behavior. The whole “pink elephant” analogy works because everyone knows its there. What happens when you bring someone in that can’t even see it? What happens when he’s oblivious to it?

There are times where people activate their inner assholes. Their inner douchebags. Everybody has a little bit of both. If you think you’re so righteous, then think about every time you’ve gone out with someone and dumped them for someone else. Every time you’ve taken a proverbial crap on someone just because you don’t like them. Treating people that have done wrong by you like crap. Hell, ignoring the fact you’ve screwed someone over and talking to them like it never happened is an asshole-ish thing to do. I guess that the difference would be if you were aware of what you were doing or not. Do you know you’re treating someone like crap? Congratulations… you’re being an asshole! Are you wondering why X person gives you shitty looks while you’re stealing their Wheaties? Well, dude… douchey douche-douche.

If I look at my output on this site for 2009, I notice that I’ve had a lot of issues with the society I’m in. For some reason it seems that I’m bitter about how people view and treat me, and in turn treat each other. Understandable, I suppose; as much as both you and I would like to think otherwise, I have a heart and even though it often takes a lickin’, it keeps on tickin’. Being an asshole (if you’re into labels) is, in a way, my defense mechanism against society’s transgressions. I suppose that the less I care, the less the people around me can hurt me. The less it can affect me, what people do and how they act. While most people build walls around a fragile heart, I drop the walls and make my heart stronger than what can be thrown at it. Of course, it’s a work in progress and I’m positive I really like that, for better or worse. I’d rather be aware it hurts when it does than be oblivious to it, in much the same way that I prefer being an asshole than a douchebag. I wonder how douchebags cope with things. I could conclude that ignorance, a blissful feeling for sure, allows the douche to not feel a thing when need be. Ahh, ignorance. I wish for it sometimes. Like a good piece of chocolate, something to indulge in every now and then.

Indulging in the topic further then, it would be interesting to know how the asshole and the douche are seen in society, specially in a society like mine. I don’t have extensive douchebag experience but I can tell you that more often than not douchebags attract other douchebags. It happens with everyone that’s like-minded… if you like toy cars, you’ll most likely connect with people who like toy cars. In the same way, a person who sees things a certain way will fraternize with those who share his views. I don’t know if the people associated with me on a regular basis qualify as assholes… I think they’re awesome, but maybe I’m being oblivious to it. A douchebag, if you will. I feel like this has come out as highly partisan, but I hope that you can see the mirror-image I would like you to put on this since, even though I know what an asshole is like, I cannot tell you for sure what a douchebag is. I can just sense them, like we’re Highlanders. Since we’re alike then, make your own conclusions.

I would like to end this piece leaving you with this: what do you think of this? what’s your stance? How will you treat an asshole the next time you see one? What about a douchebag? Questions, questions. I’m putting a lot of faith in you lately, dear reader, because like any true asshole I want to be honest with you when I tell you that I want to believe in you, and someone has to make the first step to establish trust. This is me taking the first step.

Originally posted 2009-10-23 13:19:27.