The service industry found in the capital can definitely take a lesson or two from the polite, helpful and often enthusiastic energy everyone in Chitré will display no matter where you go. Be it buying a calling card, responding e-mails in an internet café, eating in any of the town’s fine (and inexpensive) restaurants or staying at any of its hotels, a foreigner will never run the risk of being taken advantage of as it is often common in the capital. In Chitré you’ll also find all the mayor banks, strip malls and stores where you can purchase anything you could ever want and need, public transportation and more. Hell, unlike cabs in the city, passengers can actually enter the vehicle and tell the driver where they’re going without any sense of prejudice. This behavior is, of course, highly suspect in Panama City, where you will often see passengers on the sidewalk ask drivers where they’re going before they even consider asking them to take them anywhere. As is the case with much of the public transportation situation in Panama City, the taxi driver has the wherewithal to think whether or not they should take you, like if they were doing you a favor. The number of reasons as to why such an ass-backwards practice takes place in a semi-First World country escape my feeble mind, but in Chitré this sort of thing is unheard of. My conclusions as to why this is the case, taken purely from personal experience, rest on the hands of the attitude the city’s residents have adopted. They’re just so mellow.

One would think they have entered Prozac Nation upon arrival but that first impression is not something that can be held accountable to the residents of Chitré; on the contrary, the problem is that many of us that are so used to the hectic, smog-dominated city life that visiting such a tranquil place is nothing short of a system shock. You can literally feel the darkness of your soul slowly peel away the further you venture into the city. The air feels cleaner, everyone says “hello” to each other and, unlike Panama City and its traffic, modeled after the southwest ghetto district of the 7th ring of hell, drivers are actually courteous on the road. You can actually tell how many people from the capital are visiting Chitré by the way they’re driving… because they’re so damn rude.

The best time of year to notice the distinct differences between city slickers and the nice folks from the interior is definitely around Carnival time. If you’ve never experienced Carnivals, then you’re for a real treat: these are festivities sanctioned by the government in celebration of the Greek god Momo. The festivities of Carnaval are celebrated all throughout the continent, and even though Americans refer to these festivities with the popular moniker of Mardi Gras, Carnivals in Central and South America are considerably different. And even though the celebration extends all throughout the western hemisphere, Panama is regarded as one of the favorite places to party along with other destinations such as Brazil and New Orleans. Now, as it is with every other country that celebrates in the name of Momo, many people take this celebration as an excuse to get thoroughly trashed for four days straight (note to potential partakers in this monumental undertaking: Carnaval, as Latin Americans know it, lasts from midnight on Friday and goes all the way until Tuesday at midnight; after midnight, we enter what is known as Ash Wednesday and the beginning of Lent) and they plan accordingly. The dates that will be held with the daunting task of providing carnavalistic pleasure to the millions of individuals that participate in the festivities held all over the republic are given several weeks in advance, and many Panamanians save up from the end of the previous year’s Carnaval in preparation of the following year’s celebration. What follows upon arrival to Chitré (and any other destination during that time, for that matter) can be narrowed down to something nearing unchained abandon: thousands upon thousands of people of all shapes and sizes, origins and creeds, coming together on the town square under the scorching morning sun to drink alcohol off their plastic mugs as water containers parked all about the area spray gallons of water on them for hours on end.

Reading or watching videos about Carnivals truly don’t do the festivities justice. They’re incredibly fun and this is specially the case for Chitré, since it’s the mellowest of the popular Carnaval destinations within the Azuero Peninsula. For some inexplicable reason, hanging out with your friends in Chitré’s town square is much safer than going to, say, Los Santos or Las Tablas. The reason is, quite frankly, beyond me; a popular theory is that Los Santos and Las Tablas attract much more people than Chitré does, and as some part of fascinating sociological phenomena the more uninhibited amongst the population prefer the craziness Las Tablas has to offer than the comparatively tamer Chitré festivities, right down to the culecos. Culecos, to clarify, are the act of getting sprayed with water from containers parks all around the town square where most of the action takes place.

Aside from the yearly Carnaval celebrations taking place in Chitré, there are plenty more reasons to visit no matter what time of year you decide to do so. At 252km (that’s 157 miles, kids) away from the city, it’s the perfect destination for a road trip adventure. Like the rest of the country, their national coin is the Balboa, even though the bills stopped issuing ever since Panama adopted the dollar as its official currency, keeping Panamanian coins active for the nostalgia factor. Both currencies are worth the same, and “Balboas” is used to refer to dollars even though technically the term is incorrect because it’s not like I can give the store clerk $10 “balboas” in coins… that would be directly assaulting the rock-solid Chitrean patience with a jackhammer to the face. If you are holding any other type of currency, it is highly recommended that you find a way to change it to the “all-mighty” dollar; even though foreign currency is more common in a place like Panama City, when you’re out in a place like Chitré it’d be incredibly hard for a humble shop owner from the interior to change Euros into Dollars. Because of this, it’s practically guaranteed that no one outside of banks or casinos will want to take your foreign money. You know what they say, then: “When in Rome…”

Now, in terms of places to stay, fees range anywhere between $16 to $35 dollars a night, depending on the level of comfort you want to allow yourself to have. Whatever it is you’re looking for, you’re bound to find it in Chitré: fancy 4-star hotels and cheap rooms are available almost all year round… except for when it’s Carnaval season. Around that time, things get fierce and unless you’ve booked a room months in advance, chances of finding a place to stay are slim. It is often customary for people to rent entire houses so that their 20-30 party members have a place to nurse their hangovers.  Excluding Carnivals though, Chitré is an excellent place to get away from it all if you’ve had more of the city life than you can chew. There are supermarkets, restaurants, bars, internet cafés, several housing projects and even a branch of the University of Panama. There are also school, fast food chains such as McDonald’s and the Panamanian staple of Pío Pío (a Panamanian fast food restaurant that’s open 24 hours, no less!), a couple of clubs, banks, department stores and other specialty shops that will surely carry everything you could ever want or need.

No matter what you choose, you’re guaranteed you’ll have great service and fun people to talk to if you feel like mingling with the local folk. And getting in with the local folk is definitely something you want to do, considering that Chitré has history dating back to 1821, when Panama got its independence from Spain… you are bound to find a self-proclaimed historian willing to give you a piece of fascinating Panamanian history. The Azuero Peninsula is, in many respects, the unofficial cradle of Panamanian civilization due to its intricate ties to the country’s history, specially its independence efforts from both Spain in 1821 and Colombia in 1903. This is the area where you’ll most likely to find the true Panamanian, a person who is incredibly proud of their heritage and is more than happy to share it with those who are willing to know more about it. If you are not shy about your Spanish, try the exercise of asking about Chitré’s history to any of the other folk wandering about the city and you’re bound to listen to some very interesting and entertaining stories in the spirit of the folk tales of yore. It’s the kind of stuff that has to be heard in order for it to accomplish its full effect, for sure.

Having a car is not essential to experiencing the full Chitrean allure, but having some wheels does help if you’re curious about the rest of the region; Chitré is an excellent hub from where you can drive out in any direction and you’re guaranteed to find other fascinating places full of charismatic people. I you don’t own a car or can’t rent one, charter and luxury buses depart from the Albrook Bus Terminal in Panama City every day. The cost for these buses varies from anywhere between $6 to $8 dollars per passenger and it generally takes around four to five hours to get to Chitré; you will be dropped off at the Chitré bus terminal at the outskirts of town, and from there you can easily hail a cab to wherever it is you’re staying during your trip there for an inexpensive fee (usually between $2 to $3 dollars, depending on distance and how much luggage you’ve got with you. Be advised that, again, during Carnival time as well as for the Christmas/New Year and national independence holidays taking place in November the Albrook Bus Terminal turns into a virtual hell hole where it’s easy to enter but almost impossible to leave. Keep your eyes on your stuff at all times and knowing how to communicate in Spanish is a definite plus. Travelling to and from Chitré’s neighboring cities by bus takes some getting used to even if you’re visiting during the area’s low tourist season, since one can easily miss stops if they’re not on top of things.

Of all things, Chitré is a place that’s perfect if you want to escape. As mentioned earlier, Chitré is also perfect for those who are looking for a base camp in order to venture out into the surrounding communities and tourist attractions that the Azuero Peninsula offers, which are plentiful and waiting for you to discover them. If you plan of staying in Chitré for the Carnaval celebrations, even better; you will get the whole carnival experience without the unbearable influx of people surrounding areas attract, complete with culecos, open-air clubs, street meat and all of the other goodies that make life in the interior provinces such a wondrous delight.

Vito: Hey, are you the same Rob Rivera that has that website?
Rob (startled): Uhm, I guess I am, yes.
Vito: Really? Because I was reading Google News and there was a story there that put your site as the #1 Blog in Panama. Congratulations!
Rob: Umm, wow, thanks…?

My silly chunk on the Internet came in first at something? anything? I must be on crazy pills. Either that or I was still riding on the post-coital side effects of the night prior, one that was just as weird for a whole bucketful of different reasons. Nevertheless, I fired up ze… emm, Firefox… and logged on to Google News to see what all the commotion was. If I’m going to let my ego have a field day with this, might as well corroborate it. A few clicks here and there, and well… here you go:

A good blog, like a good man, is hard to find.
1. http://www.rob-rivera.com/

Fun, satirical, and the know on the art /music scene. A busy site; it takes a while to load sometimes. Rob has thoughts from current events: “the real estate boom pushed forward by Americans, Canadians and Europeans has kick-started a strong degree of social discomfort due to the notion that Panama is being sold piece by piece, fearing that there will come a time where Panama won’t be for Panamanians at all.” to tacos: “Legends of the Rock Cafe tacos curing illnesses such as depression, the flu, breast cancer and Parkinson’s have not yet been verified, but I can tell you for a fact that they sure as hell brush off a foul mood when you’re so mad you could scorch fire and eat babies.” Funny and relevant, Rob is at the top of the pack of the Panamanian bloggers. He also has organized such quirky activities as “the zombie walk” in Panama City.

I would like to thank Robin and the folks behind Panama Travel News for giving me this very reassuring pat on the back. I also appreciate the nice touch on clarifying that you’re talking about the blog, and not the basket case that writes on it. She’s right on how slowly the site’s been loading lately; it’s like I’m driving Miss Daisy here, but like every constant struggle for dominance I (along with my code-munching friends at Porto Diao) have to constantly keep this heap in check. Even still, I very much appreciate the sentiments. I bet Robin’s cute, too. Mmph.

You can check out who came up behind yours truly (sexual implications aside; please try to ignore the ambiguously gay phrase as Bananama Republic came in at #2. Geez, I waltz into these sometimes) by checking out the Panama Travel News piece right here. You can also engage in the lovely clash of the titans going on in the comments section. I can’t wait until a Spanish-speaking nationalist comes in there and poops all over their heads.

The rest of the day is a blur, but Vito did tell me later in the day that I showed up in Google News again; that could be the reason why this here site’s been so slow these past couple of days. Anyway, thank you very much for coming and I’ll try to keep the snark in top form. I remembered I had to mention this here though because I logged on to Facebook this morning to check up on our Grainjaus Grindhouse double feature night at the Theater Guild of Ancon this April 11th (wow, that shameless plug came out of nowhere) and I saw the following. Take a look at the picture. Left column. Closely, friend. Closely.

That makes me want to put an ad of my own! In fact, I’m gonna look into it right now. I don’t want to throw Bananama Republic a banana peel (heh) because they’re funny folks, but that just struck me as funny. Anyway, you better believe you’ll be seeing my mug at some point this umm, month. I don’t know. I lost my point somewhere after I drew the “OMG!” on the picture.

Señor Loop’s MCMLXXXII album is forthcoming! Here’s a preview review: if I listen to the record a little more than I have already, there is an 81% possibility that I will, in fact, become pregnant. You can check out their single “Insensato” at their MySpace page.