11. Alguna anécdota interesante ?
Una vez fui al Decameron para el cumpleaños de un amigo de escuela en donde fueron también sus padres y sus hermanas. Después de jugar Cultura Chupística con un medio galón de Seco que había aparecido mágicamente en la arena y vomitar mi desayuno en una de las piscinas del hotel, al regresar me dijeron que o me acosté con una de las hermanas de mi amigo. También dicen que solo me la arropé, pero hasta el sol de hoy no recuerdo qué fue lo que paso entre las 3:30AM y las 10:30AM de la mañana siguiente. Lo más curioso del caso es que en mi cuarto estaba durmiendo con dos amigos, y en el cuarto de la muchacha en cuestión estaba no solo su hermana, sino su papá. Así que mi versión del cuento es que me la ponché en el pasillo donde estaba su habitación. Creo que es por eso que poco después del verguericidio se casó, tuvo un hijo y ya no me habla. Hmm…

We’ve been together for 6 months and if you haven’t figured it out already then, let me lay it out like this: I like to make you laugh. It’s fun times, telling a funny story. Also, I like to rattle people’s cages. Sometimes I’ll say something that someone has to object to out of sheer indignation… I love that. Pushing people’s limits, seeing just how uninhibited they allow themselves to be… I find it all fascinating; I believe this was one of those times. As talked about in this post:

———- Forwarded message ———-
From: Anonimo
Date: Sat, 14 Oct 2006 16:20:04 -0700 (PDT)
Subject: [Blogs Panamá] Comment: “Rob-Rivera.com”

New comment on your post #46 “Rob-Rivera.com”
Author : Anonimo (IP: 200.12.210.11 , 11.210.12.200.clarocom.net)
E-mail : none@none.com
URI :
Whois : http://ws.arin.net/cgi-bin/whois.pl?queryinput=200.12.210.11
Comment:
Conclui la lectura al leer sobre su asombrosa “anecdota”. Luego se
quejan cuando denigran al panameno por su pobre hablar y no se
asombran al ver como un “escritor” habla sobre una mujer panamena
diciendo “me la ponche en el pasillo”.

Patetico. No lei mas y no creo que vuelva a leer mas sobre este sr.

You can see all comments on this post here:
http://www.blogspanama.com/blog/2006/08/14/rob-riveracom/#comments

Let it be noted that I don’t have sexual intercourses in hallways. It is just my logical assumption of the facts that I know, which are very few; for all I know I could have had sex with a turtle on the beach and I would’ve never noticed the difference. The happenings of that night will forever be a blur to me and I like it that way, really. This person/place/thing though (God, I hate anonymous users. What’s wrong with stating what your name is?) is downright convinced I had my way with the poor girl on a hallway at a hotel. He/she/it took my assumption and made it literal. Damn, ladies and gentlemen… I think we’ve got a winner here!

I’m sorry to disappoint this particular anonymous user, but contrary to popular belief I don’t have sex in hallways at random while I’m drunk (or sober, for that matter). Now, I take it that this person (something tells me this Anonymous user is a girl. I don’t know why, but my spider-sense is tingling at the thought of it) doesn’t read worth a damn, since he/she/Chtulhu couldn’t tell that me getting frisky with anyone in a dirty hallway is nothing more than one of the ridiculous amounts of brain farts I expel on a daily basis. Quite frankly, I forgot all about this story until I had to go back in and read the interview to remember. Anonymous user will go down in history along with the Proud Panamanian and the legendary Chtulhu as haters… I’m pretty convinced they’re all women now because I do have the uncanny superpower to piss women off rather easily. Just so you can remember and laugh (remember, kids: “recordar es vivir”) here’s what the Proud Panamanian had to say on my rant about Men in Panama:

ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:54 pm

Look ugly american…if you don’t like Panama,Panamanian men or whatever in Panama…PACK YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE PANAMA AND GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY.

There is no need to put down Panamanian men,besides,i THINK YOU ARE JUST PLAIN JEALOUS OF LATINO MEN/PANAMANIAN MEN.ANGLO SAXON MEN ARE TOO SISSY FOR US,PANAMANIAN WOMAN.THE ONLY PANAMANIAN WOMAN WHO MARRIES EXPATS IS BECAUSE SHE IS EITHER TOO SLUT TO GET MARRIED LOCALLY OR SHE IS PLAIN TOO POOR AND WANT
YOUR MONEY….
GO TRAVEL,UGLY AMERICAN.Macho attitude is EVERYWHERE..EVEN IN THE USA,CANADA AND EUROPE…

MACHO ATTITUDE IS EVERYWHERE, MAN!!!!! Don’t you fucking know, you pansy?! Little girly man, go away. If you’re not a man that can’t make me your slave and tell me what to do then I want nothing with you! Go away, ugly American! Someone club me on the head and drag me by the hair to their cave now! I make Sabretooth Tiger stew and brontoburgers. OOGA-BOOGA!!!

Fucking give me a fucking break, you fucker. I’ll go back to “my country” when you go back to the stone age; Fred Flintstone and Dino miss your cooking and the house is a mess since you left. Just when I thought all was lost, though… enter a beacon of light from the blog Just Blue:

Otra cosa es que creo que todos deberiamos aprender a expresar nuestras opiniones a titulo personal. ¿Luego se quejan o se asombran quienes? ¿Cómo usted sabe? No invente!
En la mencionada anectoda no dice si la mujer era panameña. Pudo haber sido China, India, Alemana y nosotros no tenemos como saberlo. Porque la anecdota no dice!!
Además, no estoy segura de que causo más molestiás: si la forma en que se dijo o la acción en si. ¿De haber escrito sustuve realciones intimas (coito, contacto intimo, realciones sexuales) con ella en el pasillo habría parecido mas decoroso o honorable? Lo otro es que si bien la frase tiene cierta connotacion machista, no fue violación. ¿Sería diferente si una mujer dijera: “ponche con el en el pasillo”? ¿En este caso no habrían protestas?

See, this is the kind of person I’d love to talk to. A person who can comment on something after understanding what was said. I want to meet her. People like this seem to come less and less as days go by, so it’s awesome to know that there are still individuals in this country who read and now how how to assimilate information correctly. Any which way, let it be noted that she is not defending me by any means, but she does get it… and that, to me, is all I ever wanted out of this here project. She’s got some good written works in there too, so you’d do yourself a favor by checking the blog out.

1. Bastardizer Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 10:33 am

JAJAJAAJA… I’m not a “VIVIDOR” WHAT THE FUCK?!!?!?!?! I just imagined like a Miami Vice drug dealer saying that. I’m so sorry I missed that thing last night… Chulo… and I also heard someone got killed last night at the concert??

Miami Vice drug dealer = José Yiero. God, I loved that movie. It’s coming out on DVD in December, too. I can’t. Fucking. Wait. and yes, sir… you were missed that night. I still haven’t heard about someone getting killed over at the concert, though; could anyone clear this up for us? Inquiring minds would like to know.

2. Yamile Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 12:16 pm

It’s that damn Rob Rivera!
He’s so hot right now!
ref here!

Zoolander! I dismissed the flick as fucking silly and stupid at first but then I caught it on cable and it blew my mind. I used to go to this internet café and my girlfriend at the time as well as the manager of the joint where watching it on the computer and they’re laughing their asses off; didn’t know what the hell was going on… now, I can’t help but quote it like Yamile just did at least once a week… it’s my quota. T-shirt here, and below is a movie you should definitely see if you like over-the-top silly movies… ladies and gentlemen, I present to you (big thanks to Frost for the web find!)… “Nacho Libre:”

3. Lucho Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 1:25 pm

hahahaha youd be amazed at how unkept my hands are, im trying to change that tho so dont be amazed if you see me with black nail polish one of these days, its just to help me stop biting my nails…

You’re one of the exceptions I mentioned in the post, though.

4. Antonio Touriño Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 2:22 pm

En mi grupo operamos mas o menos bajo el codgio que el que tiene paga. Nos resulta bueno a nosotros pq nos conocemos y no nos aprovechamos. Pero, creo que esa filosofía no funciona con extraños…; ) Supongo que soy un chulo… :S Mi novia me invita a comer cuando puede… : D

To which I replied:

5. Rob Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 2:50 pm

Yo hago igual; si quiero/puedo invitar a alguien a algo pues cool y si no pues tambien… si alguien me quiere invitar a algo no me quejo, pero usualmente hay fair play; en las rondas de las pinta cada uno paga una generalmente y asi todos tomaron/gastaron la misma cantidad… Es solo que ese man me k-brió porque se la quería tirar del gallo pechón.

Now, here comes the good part! This is the kind of stuff I just can’t possibly come up with on my own. This guy’s worse than Chtulhu! For the love of Marley, this dude’s on a mission!

6. ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:54 pm

Look ugly american…if you don’t like Panama,Panamanian men or whatever in Panama…PACK YOUR STUFF AND LEAVE PANAMA AND GO BACK TO YOUR COUNTRY.

There is no need to put down Panamanian men,besides,i THINK YOU ARE JUST PLAIN JEALOUS OF LATINO MEN/PANAMANIAN MEN.ANGLO SAXON MEN ARE TOO SISSY FOR US,PANAMANIAN WOMAN.THE ONLY PANAMANIAN WOMAN WHO MARRIES EXPATS IS BECAUSE SHE IS EITHER TOO SLUT TO GET MARRIED LOCALLY OR SHE IS PLAIN TOO POOR AND WANT
YOUR MONEY….
GO TRAVEL,UGLY AMERICAN.Macho attitude is EVERYWHERE..EVEN IN THE USA,CANADA AND EUROPE…

Have you ever seen/Do you remember how Hulk Hogan was in the 80’s back when he was starting in the WWF? He was 10 shades of crazy. At first I kind of agreed with the Bastardizer’s template of Miami Vice drug kingpin but now that I ponder on it I think I like imagining him as a coked-up Hulk Hogan more. What’s most alarming about this guy is when he says:

GO TRAVEL,UGLY AMERICAN.Macho attitude is EVERYWHERE..EVEN IN THE USA,CANADA AND EUROPE…

If “Macho attitude” is everywhere (I’m sure it is, I’ll give him that much) then, umm… it doesn’t matter to me, because I’m not in it to have sexual encounters with men, so this piece of info is useless. Also, so much time and preparation and the worst insult you could come up with was “ugly American?” What are we, 5 years old? Frankly… I’m disappointed, Proud Panamanian. I could go on, but things are just getting started! I’ll save my shots for later, and that “later” is coming up right now!

7. panajane Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:56 pm

Have you seen my nails lately?? Short but clean.

I think I can safely say that this lady can have the arms of a mantis and I wouldn’t care one iota. Oh, the Proud Panamanian returns… this time, in Spanish!

8. ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 5:58 pm edit

Oye tu no eres mas que un cabronazo,sexista,machista y maldito.

Esperate que llamo a Migracion para que te deporten,maldito gringo del carajo.

Largate de Panama y no vuelvas nunca mas.
Una plaga como tu merece estar viviendo en Canada o Estados Unidos..no en Panama,porque nos contaminas.
Largate ya !

Wait a second… huh? In a nutshell, the Proud Panamanian (which it’s safe to assume is the ultimate representation of macho and stands right by that) just called me sexist, macho, a bastard and whatever the hell a “cabronazo” is. I don’t know about you, folks, but I think the Proud Panamanian is sending mixed signals here. Immigration doesn’t want anything to do with me, mostly because i’m Panamanian and can’t be deported from my home country. See, this is another thing Panamanians do a lot which is we don’t read. Well, I read. And I’m lucky to be surrounded by people who like to read but it’s obvious to me this character has no idea who the hell he’s dealing with. Ahh, being ridden doggy style by your own emotions… such a sad, sad thing. I think he just called me a virus or something, too. So, if I really do represent freedom of thought and alternative culture like I’ve been hearing lately, then the Proud Panamanian wants it all gone. I repeat: the Proud Panamanian wants freedom of thought and culture out of the country. No wonder we’re fucked as a country. He continues by being uncharacteristically polite with his plea:

9. ProudPanamanian Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:00 pm edit

yes,short ,war-like and IMPERIALIST.

Do me a favor,go back to your USA and never come back,ok?

I… I don’t even know what the hell he’s trying to say here. Is he saying that Jane’s nails are imperialist? What? The Proud Panamanian’s tricks confuse me. And on a side note, I think it’s adorable that this guy thinks I’m a gringo. Cute as hell; I think I should send him a card. Up next, Jane to the rescue:

10. panajane Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:01 pm

Oye pedazo de estupido, Rob es corto para Roberto y el es Panameno. Talvez deberias de averiguar algunas cositas antes de escribir estupideces. Obviamente este tema te toco algun nervio.

Tu modo de pensar es tan anticuado.

Alright, that’s it. Jane, you and me. Let’s elope. Let’s go to Bocas or Chiriquí or something and grow old together. I’m low maintenance, funny and I love you with every fiber of my being. We would make the Proud Panamanian very happy! Speaking of which, at this point in time I had awaken from my slumber and noticed all of this stuff going on… of course, I was in bliss:

11. Rob Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:06 pm

Hahahaha WOW!!! Mr. Proud Panamanian, I’d love to leave. I say you gather some money for a one way ticket and give it to me; that way I can blog about Panama from abroad!

This is probably the coolest hater EVER.

And for the record, my dad’s from Bocas del Toro and my mom’s from Colon; My country’s this one, sir. How about them apples? Please, read the entire site where I talk about my Panamanian heritage and talk about its ails so you can send more hate comments! I keep getting messages from people talking about you. It’s quite funny.

I keep going, too:

12. Rob Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 6:07 pm

Y sí, le tocó el nervio. Ella acaba de decir en 3 frases lo que me tomó a mí 3 parrafos… vaya escritor que soy.

I have a point, there. Antonio adds himself to the convo!

13. Antonio Touriño Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 7:47 pm

Solo tengo una cosa que decir…. MIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! Gata! : D

This one can go one of two ways: he’s either speaking about Jane which, if I may say so, is right on the money; the lady fanned out her claws, it was amazing and downright heartwarming. If he’s talking about the Proud Panamanian though then I want to assume this person’s a girl because I have it on good authority that I piss women off easily so it’s not that far fetched, and if the Proud Panamanian is a guy and reading this (I know you are, you cheeky mumkee!) then he/she/it is gonna be even more pissed now. Such is the way of the Macho Man.

14. Frost Said:

October 5th, 2006 at 7:52 pm

lmao

that is all.

I second that sentiment. Before meeting the guys and gals for beers I call Jen so she can read the madness going on here and this morning she dropped this off on the comments section:

15. 2SXC Said:

October 6th, 2006 at 6:34 am

DAMN!! Hahaha yes Rob, you definetely won the crown back for Hate Comments. I was called a fat, hateful, angry judgemental bitch in my blog because of my feelings towards speedos (although I was backed on it more than once)….but I was never told to leave Panama…pats on the fucking back man! Hahahaha

This girl is probably one of the coolest people I will ever meet. You should check out her blog, too… it’s hilarious. That speedo’s story is also noteworthy so be sure to check it out. We’re heading to the home stretch too so don’t worry, esteemed reader! The torture will end soon!

16. Bastardizer Said:

October 6th, 2006 at 6:44 am

Oh Mr. Proud Panamanian… You are showing you Alpha macho state right now by posting this hate comment… And yes, Rob is CEDULA 8… ES MAS MORON, LLAMA A MIGRACION PARA QUE QUEDES COMO UN IMBECIL.

I’m gonna scan my I.D (my scanner’s at Lucho’s but I’ll see what I do to have that done and I’ll post it here… hell, I’ll do a header, even) so you can see it, Mr. Proud Panamanian. This guy’s comment hits the nail on the head, though: as you can clearly tell from his/her/it’s comments, the Proud Panamanian is macho, likes his/her/it’s women to be submissive and weak, and has a disliking for ex-pats and gringos… stuff of which I’m neither. The Proud Panamanian can’t read well so he/she/it jumps to conclusions and goes on and on about me leaving my country and capping my freedom of speech because he can’t take on the truth? Fuck you. Panama’s famous for its corruption and sleaziness just as much as it is for its beautiful scenery, and ignoring the former isn’t gonna make it go away. At least I’m pointing the problems out so that people both here and abroad are sparked into doing something about it and therefore eradicate idiots like this person off the face of the Earth. This is the type of person who would not let his significant other work or study because, according to him, it’s not her role. To the Proud Panamanian, it seems to me, women only serve for being a cum depository and a 24/7 maid. Fuck you. It’s disgusting. the Proud Panamanian is disgusting and I’m tired of making an ass out of you. There are more comments coming in so check out the post here if you’re interested. I’d like to thank everyone who came in and defended me… you’re great friends. I know that my thoughts get me in trouble and knowing this you still put your hand in the fire and stick up for me… thank you very much. And thank you, reader, for finding the funny in me stirring the shit. Now, I could use some breakfast.