I get cranky when I don’t take a nap when I get back from the office; I like to believe it doesn’t interfere with my ability to enjoy the rest of the evening but it does, and I many ways it cripples me in such a way that I’m on edge, pick up on stuff that isn’t really there and I’m more confrontational, more sarcastic and on the brink of ripping someone’s throat, which is what I am like when I’m sick… cranky. I usually hide because I become a weapon of mass destruction and I’m too caught up of my views on how heroes/noble people should be to let myself go out there and drop on some asses; this leads me to yesterday, and I’ll try to make it entertaining for you by using my sarcastic wit and disregard for mouthing off.

It’s a fact of life how people have different ways of communicating emotion. We start off at our most basic when we’re children and progressively complicate ourselves with the passage of time; last night I was that kid who likes the girl and shows it by completely ignoring her. I’m prone to very weird situations, it’s what is attracted to me and I’ve embraced it very much because life seems more interesting when you have crazy stuff happening to you every day but, I don’t know about you, whenever I throw myself at impossibly odd situations I always go in with confidence. Ahh yes, confidence. Over at Beers & Blogs fellow nutjob Flip, while discussing a project with him and Butter, told me that I was “intense” and that stuck with me; look, why is it that in this day and age people don’t really point out each others qualities… at least not here? Hell, I know I’m intense but it’s another thing entirely when someone else says it, just as saying something through the comfort of a chat window is 5 notches less meaningful as when you say the very same thing to a person’s face. In that sense, getting deeper into the word “intense” I’m not the type of guy that goes into things half-assed, independently of how clumsy I may or may not be. The fact that my approach to things is so knee-jerk and brass, sometimes I get caught up in my own… umm, intenseness and fail to see why some others don’t. To put an example of what I’m trying to say, consider this: to me, the concept of running away from things is one that absolutely throws me for a fucking loop. I’ve talked about this numerous times and it quite often is the source of my frustrations with my interactions with people but you can never say it enough times, how the way you act affects others around you and when someone needs your help and you choose to walk away because it’s too much for you to deal with then you’re walking away… abandoning them. Despite it being a very selfish thing to do, how in this day and age everyone has that “me first” mentality and how inherently scared we are of letting loose, there are people out there who hold a candle for the human race by taking chances and being themselves no matter what. Complexity creeps in, because in order to fight fear in the hearts of others you need to indulge in your own selfishness… how very meta, huh?

After getting home at 4AM the night prior I slept for 2 hours before heading out for the office. When I got out of there, I went to my cousin’s high school graduation and after that, I went to Hooters to celebrate Butter’s birthday with his friends… I ran into the rest of the members of the “fantastic four” and the ex-Bastardizer (long story) there as well and here’s what happened when I got there: no nap meant no freshness for my brain… no freshness means I get cranky. When I get cranky, my usually hilarious situations aren’t as funny as they are distracting and annoying. I’m intense, but coming from the other side of my devilish charm, where charm becomes unabashed discomfort with what I consider wrong. “A Favor House Atlantic” was still in my system, but the picture I saw as I approached the table started sending my spider sense into overdrive, shutting down the one-song concert for me to come fully aware o what was happning…

Blessed am I that I live in a country where everybody knows everyone; many a time you’re pitted into events where you see people you’re not ready for, or interactions you’re not ready for or a whole scenario you’re not ready for and I had the unbelievable luck of finding myself with all three… it was ridiculous. Because my mind works even faster when its cranky, as I walked to the fire escape entrace to the restaurant in order to meet Butter and started catching the information my eyes were picking up I was seriously thinking about escape routes. I wasn’t ready for any of it, and my symbolism to transmit how I wasn’t ready for it, was of course, my Superman symbol shirt. I was a walking contradiction.

Because of my penchant for addressing difficult situations by running straight at them, horns facing forward, I put on the grin and did my bit. Got some beer and was desperately trying to find some sort of thrill that would make me feel better, while at the same time steering clear from the walking kryptonite vessels that were mingling with the rest of our ridiculously large table. In retrospect, the real kryptonite resulted in the sum of these parts, like a poisonous Captain Planet that would repeatedly try to punch me in the face… y’see, if I wasn’t intense none of this would’ve been a real problem. My bad.

The night progresses, and I magically run out of beer. In fact, the entire table runs of out beer. Sonia, our lovely Hooter girl for the evening, was at the bar and Butter pointed her out to me and after being reluctant (when I’m like this, doing the whole charming bit with a girl is very unappealing due to the fact that when this status ailment is cast upon me I can’t see lingerie shows, the FX network, or talk to pretty girls because it all comes off as torture for me. That and I think the whole thing is pathetic and pointless) I decided that I would find my thrill with her and try to boost up my ego, try to build my mojo back. The results were funny:

Rob (coming up to Sonia, who’s at the bar filling pitchers of beer): Hello, excuse me…

She turns around.

Rob: Hi. I’m out of beer and I was wondering if I could maybe get another one. How much is the mug of beer worth?

Sonia (after a full moment of space-out action, staring at me between the eyes): ahh, uhhmm, it’s uhmm, 2 i dunno umm 2.75 no no it’s *giggle* it’s 2 dollars, 2 dollars… yes. 2 dollars.

Rob (picking up on something here. Hmm.) Oh, alright. I see… well, y’think I could have one? I’m with the big table over there.

Sonia (Trying to fill pitchers. Failing miserably): Which one…?

Rob (pointing at our table): That one. The rowdy table over there.

Sonia: Alright!

We stare at each other for a moment as I wait for my mug’s turn at the pitcher. She doesn’t seen to register how easily this transaction could be culminated if only she let the pitchers go and filled my mug.

Sonia (duh, silly): oh, right! *giggle* I’m sorry!

Rob (grin’s out, shining teeth and all): Don’t worry about it…

Sonia: So, do I just put you on the bill with them?

Rob: Sure! Whatever you want.

Sonia: O.K! Thank you!!!

Rob: Oh, thank you.

My ego somewhat restored, I trailed back with a renewed confidence that would last me a whole 5 minutes or so. Ugh. Kryptonite was worse than I thought, and that’s what it all comes down to; confidence. When you’re confident, you’re intense. You can tell the difference when you really believe in something or when you don’t depending on your intensity. Intensity relies on self-assurance, and the elements present that night, added together formed a black hole that sucked all of my confidence dry. There was a moment when most of said elements left the vecinity and I felt exhausted, when one of them approached me like any casual friend would. My problem with what was happening at that very moment was that on any other night I would be working this scene like if I was doing jumping jacks, but all I could think of while I coasted through the conversation on autopilot were 2 things: a) how badly I wanted to go home and put this day behind me and b) how I wanted to punch this guy in the face, mostly for existing. I regressed back to my high school days, man. That’s not cool. And like this, I caught a few other things that produced the same face-punching impulse mostly because I was slowly turning into Captain Caveman with how insecure I was feeling about everything I saw that night. And it all goes back to that… the absence of confidence.

As I drove home I was met with a decision I had to make; I do all of my thinking when I sleep, so it was going to be a long night either way and I had to do something about it to make it worth my while. One out of two, ladies and gents… what would you do when you’re presented with a problem that’s mostly all in your head? Do you ignore it by distracting yourself with excess or do you face it dead on? What are the pros, what are the cons? How selfish can you be, either one you pick? At that moment in time, any kind of affection would’ve been good, but none of my outlets for it would’ve accepted me the way I felt last night. It wouldn’t have been fair for them. Do I face it dead on? Ahh, only one way to do that… and it’s a frustrating road to take. What to do, what to do?

Maybe Sonia wouldn’t have minded if I went back for some more Hooter action, I thought. Ahh, frail is the mind of man. I chuckled and ultimately decided to face my problems like I always do: with the most brass and swift way I can. But there’s something here to say about how people are and how differently they approach things; this is not a computer I need to fix or a site I need to write, but a person. When you have to straighten things out with people then the process is much more delicate, specially if you care about them. Tricky, tricky. Nobody likes to make things sour, and if you really appreciate the relationship you have with said friend or whatever you’ll eventually go out of your way to resolve… it seems to me that it’s not as easy as it seems for some people, though. No wonder people give up so easily on each other nowadays. Hey, life’s not a cakewalk. Tough break. People win and loose every fucking day and here we are, running away from things that overwhelm us. We should be ashamed of ourselves. And I don’t think I could run away from stuff that troubles me even if I tried as evidenced by the dreams I had last night when I got home… not even in my dreamstate can I outrun this frickin’ thing.

Today I’m not singing “A Favor House Atlantic.” Hell, I’m not even listening to any music, not fighting my sleep, the coffee tastes stale, this editorial seems pointless and all I feel like doing is getting sick and going home. There’s a long weekend ahead of me and if you’re reading this then I’m letting you know I’m coming. I’m coming with the change of the tide, and I’ll take a fucking nap before I do. Thank you for reading. It has been cathartic for me and I appreciate you taking the time to read and maybe even pick something up from this, which pretty much narrows down to “take a God damn nap.”

Share This