I was in a rather weird mood last night; I was being ridiculously alert with my surroundings, specially when it came to couples. As it turns out, it seems that everyone I know is finding what they’ve been looking for, and I think it’s funny how my immediate response to it is “fools.” I’ve been wanting to explore the reasons why I feel that way, but I’m afraid of the outcome, I suppose. In any case, I try not to think about it but it does smack me in the face without me being able to turn away for whatever reason. I get the feeling that some intangible force keeps telling me “serves you right for mocking them” whenever I see people I know and appreciate having stable “relationships” while I’m out doing my own thing, wandering my way from person to person without wanting to tie myself down yet wishing I could. It’s not that I haven’t been asked (in fact, part of the reason why I always shoot myself on the foot is because I’m asked) but rather it’s what I think immediately after someone makes a move to anchor me next to them. Immediately, like a pessimistic twat the first thing I say to myself is “wouldn’t that be great? That’s too bad.”

The reason I give myself to be carefree is simple: I’m young, and I’ll enjoy it while it lasts. Never known for making thought-out decisions, though, the flaw to this train of thought is that I see opportunities of making myself happy slipping away, at least in the interpersonal front… and ironically, for having the “lack of Latino passion” I’ve been pointed at recently, to me it’s that feeling what I find the most worthwhile. The sense of belonging. I pillage and destroy, a downright asshole when I want out of something and, just like everything else, I’m drastic if I have to be; adding insult to injury, in order to detach myself even more of my true feeling of whatever situation I want to be done with I automatically see it as a game, of sorts; sleeping with the “enemy” (literally, and for the record I loathe putting it in these terms. Things between people, no matter what the nature are anything but black and white. That being said, in my search to detach myself and do damage control in the most swift, drastic way possible I have to, like I believe anyone should if you want to resolve a sticky situation… putting things in their place whether you like where things are or not) you know how to push the person’s buttons, and you can do so if you want.

You might be asking yourself (I sure as hell am): Why does it have to be this way?

If it were up to me, people would be able to know where things are in their hearts and minds. Things wouldn’t be complicated… but of course, it takes two to tango. There are certain things you just have to live with, but for some reason the women I’ve entangled myself with, even though they’re the most agressive, self-respecting beautiful women I’ve ever had the honor of being with, tend to mix things up within men. I’m guilty of letting it happen, just like staring at a car crash as I pass by. The way I see it is that if she’s strong enough to have an opinion of her own and intellingent enough to back it up, she’ll understand, right? Yes, in many cases that’s exactly the case, and that’s why I love these women… the problem lies on a factor I simply cannot predict. That factor is choice. These games we people play are very tricky. Half the time, the way you want things to be aren’t necessarily the way things are. We will never be fully satisfied, but we can be happy. The rawness of the emotion is what makes us feel the way we do and it’s what makes those precious moments seem that much more important; it’s when you look around and start seeing what that raw emotion needs to exist what’s never satisfactory. You always want things your way. And when you can’t agree or compromise, the raw emotion is doomed to fail. The ultimate irony: how something so complicated can come out of something so simple.

That’s why it’s not uncommon how when I hear someone say “I’m not gonna go out with such-and-such anymore” or “that person is not right for me, I should stop seeing him/her” or “I see things dying down soon” are totally irrelevant. They mean nothing because once you dip yourself into that emotion again your master tape erases itself and all of those “I shouldn’t, wouldn’t, couldn’t”s shot shot dead in the alley. It takes a lot of bravery to get out of any relationship, a lot of common sense. Sadly, though… emotions and common sense rarely play together.

I’ve heard it all. “I don’t know if being in love is supposed to feel like this.” “This feeling should feel different.” “I love you so much it scares me.” “I’ll end up hurting you… pretend like you don’t know me, please.” “You are the worst thing that could have ever happened to me.” “I will destroy everything you love.” “You’re a liar.” “You’re an asshole.” “You’re like a drug.” “I don’t think that’s ever happened to me before.” “It can never be this simple.” “Stop smiling at me… it kills me.” “You’ll never see me again.” “It’s the feeling behind it.” “How can you not love me? I love you!” “We can’t have sex because if we do I’ll never talk to you again.” “I want to fuck you.” “I want to love you.” “I wish I could hate you.” “You’re a child.” “You’re hardcore.” “I’ll never forget you.”

“Good bye.”

I’d like to think it’s a cultural thing. I know I can’t walk up to a girl I like expecting that she’ll walk to talk (or more) with me whether she does in fact like me or not. It’s just the way it is; one-night-stands here are practically impossible. The society’s too small, every girl’s afraid of being called a whore for indulging herself in her desires and guys who sleep around, like in any retarded society, are reveered. Much more of an incentive for women to not be open, and for men to continue acting like pigs more than half the time. But even though culture might have something to do with it since most of the women I’ve been with have lived in Panama most of their lives, that’s not a defining factor. A catalyst, perhaps… but not a deciding factor. It’s more of a personal deal, I believe. I do twists and twirls around it every time, trying to understand it but I can’t. For the life of me, I can’t. As a result, some of these girls have made me feel like I’m the lowest scum of the Earth. They can think whatever they want since in the end they’re trying to detach themselves the same way I would if given the situation, but what really gets me bent out of shape is how things turn up the way they do. I see the signs early, usually… I do warnings. I prevent things I know can’t be handled but the inherent flaw reveals itself once again. These women are strong-willed… it’s their choice to get into the shit. Their frustrations (along with mine) with what they want things to be is something we’ll have to deal with in the long run, and it almost always is brutal; for someone who likes things clear and without shady areas, the situation gets thrown smack dab in the middle of a fog without warning. I wish I could regret. I’m somewhat ashamed of some things that to this day I can’t seem to be able to let go but things are the way they are and I just deal with them accordingly.

I’m just like them, though. I’m just like every other person in desperate times. I don’t know what I want. But my advantage is that I know what I don’t want… and fighting it, something I tend to do every time I meet with these women (since even though I like things simple, I do have an appetite for drama every now and then. Also, I like to rattle cages. Gives me a high) is enfuriating, frustrating and for some inexplicable reason, it makes me feel alive.

P.S: If you’re reading this, poop… I dreamt about you last night. I guess I still can’t let go. It’s funny, because I really like dreams like those… talking. Feeling cozy. Unrestrained loving… finally belonging. Ahh, the irony.

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