I find it amazing how shitty we can treat each other as fellow Panamanians but when a tourist comes around some natives might as well kiss their feet as they stroll down the street dressed up as if they were going on an Amazonian expedition. This makes them easier to spot, and many a time they’re the bread and butter for people who will go ridiculously out of their way to help them and, if the chance presents itself, abuse their good will and social ignorance in this country they don’t know. There are certain things that you, as a tourist in Panama, should be aware of and I hope that if there are more Panamanians reading this they’ll pitch in via the comments section if I overlooked something. I’ll try my best to cover all areas of importance but my mind fails me sometimes, and I just wondered if it would be a good idea so set up a Wiki about this but I want to do that further down the line. Sorry about that. Anyway, I’ll be doing this in list format, with 25 entries…. so enjoy.

1. In regards to what to do once you head out from the airport it’s safe to say that no matter where you’re going to, the best thing you can do is find someone, a friend or relative in the country where you’re going and ask them to pick you up. Of course, you can get transportation over at the airport since cabs are all over the place and, if you have the money to pay for a somewhat-luxurious hotel, you can have one of the resort’s drivers pick you up with ease. If you’re shit outta luck and can’t arrange for neither, the flat rate to go to the city (or from the city to the airport, for that matter) is 10 bucks. Anything more, and you’re getting gypped… promptly kick said driver in the nuts and tell them I told you to do it. That’ll teach him not to try to take advantage of tourists ever again.

2. While we’re on the subject of transportation, cabs don’t have a definitive color to them so you’ll have to look a little closer to the vehicles that pass by on the street. It’s not until this year that the government has told all cab drivers to paint their cars a bright sun yellow and fashion them just like the yellow cabs in, say, New York. Right now you’ll be able to tell them apart because they either have reggae/bachata/vallenato blasting through their concert-grade speaker system, bright neon-colored lights under the car and, sometimes, as the main light bulb inside and of course, the “TAXI” sign on the hood. The cab fares within destinations in the city varies, the cheapest fee being $1.25 and the most expensive (that I’ve heard without wanting to punch someone in the face) is around $3.00; those 3 bucks are for places in the outskirts of the city for 1 person, and during the late hours (between midnight and 5AM) they’ll charge what I’ve come to call an afterhours fee but it doesn’t go farher off from 50 cents or so. Be prepared to see some colorful shit once you get in one of these… this shit varies, but you’ll always have a story to tell your people back home every time you step in a cab. You’ll also have the opportunity to watch videos/pirated movies on the video screens most of them have set up… this is also the case with buses.

3. Hailing a cab, it seems, is all about location. Do not, EVER, get in a cab that’s waiting at the lobby of your hotel; they are expecting unsuspecting tourists like yourself to charge them double. Instead just cross the street and hail a cab that’s already on the road… you’ll get the correct fare then. This is also a good moment to point out how money-hungry people who work providing services are when they spot tourists. If you so much as look foreign then you’ve already been pegged as such and the cab driver (or guide, or street vendors… hell, random people on the street, even) will try to squeeze as much money out of you as he can. This even happens to EX-PATS and other people living here… what they’ve told me is that as long as either a) you have a good handling of the Spanish language or b) keep quiet and/or know the cab fares then you’ll be fine. I believe this to be great advice.

4. If you’ve done any type of research regarding Panama then you must be familiar with the term “Diablo Rojo.” I was watching a rerun of “The Amazing Race” the other day and it’s the one with the families; I found out there that the race passed right through Panama and they have to get on some of these buses in order to get to complete their challenge. These are, umm… colorful. They are also to be feared. They’re a dying breed since our President is cleaning up our transportation foundations so it all looks a lot more tourist friendly and systematized since there aren’t any schedules to these bus routes… the good thing is that there’s always going to be a bus going to where you are. You’ll have to become familiar to the main arteries of the city and that’s going to be a chore because or city planner was drunk while he designed the road structure; there are roads here that, even though they cut right through the city without any interruptions, is called by 3 different names depending on how far up the road you are. Keep your eyes open for familiar buildings because if not you’ll be taking a long-ass tour around the city. Assume that all of these buses are dangerous, but the more you pay the less “Fast and the Furious”-y the ride will be: the cheapest buses charge 25 cents, and the more luxurious ones charge upto 50 cents and you get air conditioning and a complementary pirated movie/music video collection.

5. Transportation to the interior of the country (where all of the beaches and otherwise interesting places are) you’ll have to hop on your favorite mode of transportation and drive yourself to La Gran Terminal de Albrook, the city’s biggest bus terminal. The government has made it so that we don’t have much of a choice if we want to get out of the city but the place is clean, has a food court (I don’t recommend eating in either Pio Pio, KFC or the Popeye’s there, though. It was discovered that they used the same oil to cook for weeks at a time, and their grill were dirty. There rest are peachy, though) and many shops where you can get anything you might have forgotten at the hotel. Bus fares vary depending on the destination but they’re fair; the closest beaches will set you back around $6 a person and the farthest ones (let’s say you want to bus it to Bocas del Toro) the bus fare is around $14-$16. You can also go to the Marcos A. Gelabert Airport right around the terminal where you can hop on a plane and go to any point of the country… they’re small, 20-passenger planes so I hope you’re not claustrophobic and prone to being nauseous easily. The flight prices vary but I’ve come to find that the plane ticket fees are directly proportional to the bus fares; just double the price of whatever fee a bus will charge you and you’d have a good idea about how much it’s cost to fly there. Cab fares to Albrook are in around the $2-$3 range.

6. One final thing regarding transportation: if you’re a lady and you’re by yourself be very careful. I can’t stress this enough. I believe I’ve talked about this before but if you’re a pretty girl that happens to look foreign, most cab drivers (no matter at what time of the day) will try to trick you into sleeping with them. A lot of the time they’re sleazy scumbags and for further proof I will direct to you to this site. Read and learn.

7. Over the last couple of years there has been a shopping mall boom in Panama with the 3 most notable ones being the Albrook Mall (located at the Gran Terminal, you can’t miss it… it’s the largest mall in Central America I believe), Multicentro (located at the start of Avenida Balboa. The Radisson Decapolis hotel is right next to it) and Multiplaza Pacific (right on Multicentro’s heels. It’s the most popular of the three and they have a Marriot hotel right there for you). After these “big three” there’s the rest, 3 of the most notable ones would be Plaza Concordia in Via España (nearby hotels: Hotel El Panamá, Crowne Plaza Hotel, Veneto Hotel), El Dorado Mall (arguably the first shopping center in Panama, in the process of modernizing. The closest nearby hotel is a Country Inn & Suites within walking distance of the mall) and Los Pueblos Mall (also pretty huge, it’s the one mall closest to the airport). The prettiest and most modern mall of them all is definitely the Multiplaza, since it’s located smack dab in the middle of the higher-up neighborhoods in the capital. Multicentro had the distinction of being the go-to mall until the Multiplaza opened a year later and left it in the dust… right now they’re promoting themselves as a place where people can get great deals on quality stuff but that’s not necessarily the case; if you want brands, Multiplaza is the place for you. If you’re looking for cheap clothes, then you’re better off at either Albrook or Los Pueblos malls, where for 50 bucks you can get a whole new wardrobe! I’m talking pants, shoes, shirts, tees, hats… you name it.

8. The commercials and brochures aren’t kidding when they say you’ll be able to buy brand name products at half the prices over at wherever you’re from; we have all of the fashion stores you could possibly want and all the latest trends in technology as well. If you see something you like, chances are it’ll be much cheaper in Panama than anywhere else and that’s the case for several reasons, a lot of them having to do with the country’s long-lasting role as a point of transit and commerce for the world.

9. The Wikipedia entry for the city of Panama is here. Translations are available.

10. Our beaches are plentiful and downright spectacular. There’s one for all types of beach goers from surfers to swimmers, to people who want to do sports and those who don’t like crazy waves with their water. Finding a beach with warm water is not hard, and there’s great beaches on both sides of the country. Abundance in the Pacific, but more beauty in the Atlantic. For any other questions I provide the following link… it will give you all the info you want to know: AlmanaqueAzul.org

11. Panamanian food is rich in fats and oil, since most of the national stuff is fried. You can go to most impromptu kiosks (check for their licenses before purchasing, please) or national restaurants and order a meal of the day which usually brings you a cut of meat/pork/chicken/fish, fried rice and 2 other portions of varying foods (beans and friend plantains are popular) for around $2 bucks. It’ll fill you up, guaranteed. Still, if you don’t feel like trying out our awesome cuisine you have several famous restaurant chains as well as fast food joints all over the country (our own national fast food chain, “Pio Pio” opens 24 hours and the chicken’s great) so you don’t need to worry if you don’t want to stray too far when it comes to food.

12. National beer tastes like water. The only one with a slight hint of taste to it is, ironically, “Panama” beer but for some inexplicable reason I keep buying Atlas beer. Still, you can get the top brews in the world (Corona, Warsteiner, Heineken, Budweiser, Miller, and others) for 80 cents a bottle. In comparison, each bottle of national beer is around 30 cents, and they give you the option of taking whole cases (24 beers) which you can buy for around $6 - $7 total. Sweet deal either way.

13. Alcohol is ridiculously cheap here as well. Jose Cuervo at $13, Absolut Vodka at around $14, Bacardi at $5… the list goes on and on. We have our own rum but I wouldn’t give it to drink to my worst enemies unless they plan on being the most obnoxious fuckers on Earth; our most popular form of alcohol (and cheap, to boot) is called Seco, and you can get a 2-gallon ( ! ) bottle for around $6. a regular liter bottle is around $3. Whiskey is around $20 - $25. In clubs, the prices skyrocket by comparison; most rum bottles can go as far up as $30 bucks a pop and rum is the middleground so you can figure it out from there.

14. The best place to get groceries you, as a tourist, would be more familiar with has got to be Riba Smith. It’s a supermarket chain (one of them is over at Multiplaza, actually) where you can find American/Canadian goods that you can’t find in other supermarket chains such as Rey or Super 99. There’s also a few Costcos sprinkled across town but, of course, you need membership in order to shop. There’s an alternative, though: hop on a cab and tell them to take you to Mega Depot. Located in Transístmica, it’s one of the 2 wholesale shopping supermarkets in the city that will let you buy without a membership card and even though they’re not as stacked as a Costco would be they’re very serviceable. You also have Chinaman convenience stores all over the place and, in many cases, they’re great places to get essential stuff/fruits if you’re on the go.

15. even though you should get out of the city as much as you can since all of the exciting stuff can be done out of it, the city has great night life. There’s a series of blocks that tie up to a street in Avenida Balboa called Calle Uruguay that’s become famous for the booming nightlife it possesses. You’ll find small bars, big bars, clubs, karaoke, pool joints and many taco and other assorted foods stands. There’s a law that was passed recently that orders all of these place to close doors at 5AM no matter what (some places would stay open up to 10AM at times) so you know you have until 5AM to get smashed/dance/whatever else. This was also a good place to get weed (if you’re into it) but the precursor to that law I just mentioned was a raid all over the block looking for dealers and minors. They found plenty of both so all businesses there are being kept under a watchful eye. Central America’s biggest club is Next, located a few blocks before the entrance to Calle Uruguay. The place is rather interesting but for reasons I’ll let you find out when you come here and witness the place for yourself. There are bars and restaurants all over the place (the only Hard Rock Cafe in Panama is located on the second floor of the Multicentro mall, for example), most notably the Causeway over at Amador.

16. Amador used to be part of the territories that the U.S held for its armies and equipment. The area covered Balboa, Albrook, Diablo, Cardenas and more… the territories where given back when the Canal was passed on to up on December 31st, 1999. You’ll notice the difference between the American neighborhoods and our own the second you drive into the area.

17. The most modern movie theater in Panama is the Cinépolis theater in Multiplaza. Multicentro has theaters of their own called Kinomaxx but personally I’d try to avoid that theater as much as i can, instead going right next door where Extreme Planet is. The place is famous because all the seats in all rooms are leather, and they have V.I.P rooms with leather La-Z-Boys. You can drink alcohol in the rooms and there’s a restaurant/tavern there where you can eat and drink as much as you want. Albrook Mall has Cinemark, which is a worthy entry here.

18. Street vendors will sell you anything. The rate of scumbags/honest folk varies, but if the price sounds proportional to what you’re seeing then consider it. They’re also a good choice to get certain fruits and vegetables such as mandarins, tomatoes, apricots, and specially bananas and plantains… they all cost $1 usually, and you’ll get a good batch of 6 - 8 of whatever you’re buying. Lately they’ve also been selling pirated screeners of movies (a “screener” is when someone sneaks a video camera into the theater and records the movie from his seat. This is wrong not really because it’s illegal, but because the quality sucks ass more than half the time) and pornography. They also sell burnt records of the most popular artists but this is tricky; they usually go for 5 bucks and sometimes they’re not even burnt well so proceed with caution if you’re thinking about it.

19. While on the subject, if you have friends here and they have cars, you’ll encounter the “bien cuidao.” This person will offer to watch your car while you’re off doing whatever it is you do for $1 dollar. Any more than that and it’s a robbery. This is relative though, since all they do is sit on a point on the street you parked and does a lot of fuck-o. I personally give them the dollar not so much because they’re watching my car or not but because they’re a valuable source of information concerning the area where I just parked. If there’s a “bien cuidao” where you are, you can ask him what the best places to go are in regards to clubs or bars, events or the like… also, they can tell you how crazy the police activity is getting and some will even offer to wash your car for your troubles. Don’t let their first impression fool you; be accessible and they’ll give you the information you want.

20. There’s WiFi connection in the city (the most modern malls and some stores) but be prepared to wardrive since the only place that I know of that provides free wireless internet is the Clarocom store in the corner of Via Veneto, where the Veneto hotel (and coincidentally, El Panama Hotel) is. it’s green and has chairs outside you can use at no charge, as well as Internet-enabled desktops and phones for international calls. Across the street and diagonal to this place is the Pomodoro, and Italian restaurant that you have to try it. around there you’ll also find the Isthmus Bar, where they make their our beer. Believe it or not, it’s the only place like so in the country.

21. We like air conditioning. A lot.

22. If there’s something you need brought to Panama from your home country (this works particularly in the States) there are businesses that dedicate themselves to the charter and transport of goods services. I buy a lot of stuff online and if it weren’t for the company that handles my shipping I’d pay out the ass just to order books on Amazon. People from both the United States and Canada (without counting the stuff I’ve bought online from all over the globe) and the packages have arrived to Panama in under 2 weeks, paying the same fees it’d be to ship to whatever point in the U.S. That’s real savings, folks. IF you can’t find a friend or relative living in Panama that is subscribed to a service like that, tell me; I’d gladly help. Just buy me a beer afterwards and we’re even steven.

23. If you’re a guy, blonde, tall and/or exotic, foreign-like you’ll encounter Panamanian women who will automatically assume you’re loaded and will not leave your side if you give them wind beneath their wings to fly their crazy dream cloud. Use this to your advantage if that’s what you want; ladies, if carry the same traits as the guys then many Panamanian men will automatically assume you’re just like all of the girls they see on E!’s “Wild On” series and therefore will strip and be crazy after you pound some alcohol (still O.K) and this makes them assume you will sleep with them since they’re Latino and feel like it’s an advantage (not O.K). This is specially true if you’re in Bocas del Toro and you get friendly with the locals. Fuck, I passed one of the most stressful nights of my life because of the very thing I’m talking about right this moment. Just do both yourself and the handsome Panamanian dude you’re with a favor and be a little bit more selective with who you dance/interact with when you’re in a club/bar. Remember: Panama is socially retarded.

24. If you happen to find like-minded individuals and your views of the world are different than those of this highly devoted, traditionalist country, then for the love of all that’s mighty stick to those people and don’t you ever, ever wrong them. If you’re like me you’ll go insane from some of the stuff you’ll see and hear if you stay in Panama long enough.

25. The government, just like in your country, is a pain in the ass to deal with. Make no mistake: if you have something to do at any government office expect to spend a whole day doing it. Elevators don’t work, people send you to a bunch of different offices just so you get tired and ultimately leave and other atrocious behavior that makes dealing with the government a true pain in the ass. Of course, a lot of the government offices are corrupt so if you stumble on the right people you’ll get what you want faster… for a fee. Keep your eyes peeled and your ears sharp, because since you’re a tourist they’ll try to squeeze you for as much as they can so the offers will be thrown at you with the possible subtlety of a bag of bricks.

I might do a part deux on this if I happen to come up with 25 more entries of stuff I might have overlooked. If you’re Panamanian and know something I don’t then please add it in the comments section, thankyouverymuch.

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