Valentine’s Day: A Faux Holiday with the Best Intentions
Love. In very few other instances does a word cause such immeasurable amounts of change. Some of the greatest events in the history of civilization have begun thanks to the power of love. Love for a person, a place, an idea, and by proxy the ideals of one and many. Such a transcending concept has fueled our world for as far as we can remember, and as it is with every other concept that we, as a society, value above most things, love was given a holiday… and its name is St. Valentine’s Day. Sadly, thanks to commerce and the highly subjective nature that is love, the holiday has been ass-raped by a ten-foot pitchfork sponsored by Hallmark, Cadbury and the media.
Before I get into this, I feel it’s necessary to dissect the meaning behind this holiday. It wasn’t always about greeting cards and expensive chocolate, that’s for sure. To help me with this, I now take a step back and let my personal lord and savior, Wikipedia, do the talking:
Valentine’s Day or Saint Valentine’s Day is an occasion celebrated on February 14 by many people throughout the world. In the West, it is the traditional day on which lovers express their love for each other by sending Valentine’s cards, presenting flowers, or offering confectionery. The holiday is named after two among the numerous Early Christian martyrs named Valentine. The day became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.
The day is most closely associated with the mutual exchange of love notes in the form of “valentines.” Modern Valentine symbols include the heart-shaped outline, doves, and the figure of the winged Cupid. Since the 19th century, handwritten notes have largely given way to mass-produced greeting cards. The sending of Valentines was a fashion in nineteenth-century Great Britain, and, in 1847, Esther Howland developed a successful business in her Worcester, Massachusetts home with hand-made Valentine cards based on British models. The popularity of Valentine cards in 19th-century America was a harbinger of the future commercialization of holidays in the United States.
The U.S. Greeting Card Association estimates that approximately one billion valentines are sent each year worldwide, making the day the second largest card-sending holiday of the year, behind Christmas. The association estimates that, in the US, men spend in average twice as much money as women.
The origins of the holiday have been discussed elsewhere, and I’m not here to give you a history lesson anyway. Fact of the matter is that nowadays the holiday, which is supposed to commemorate the celebration of friendship and the human being’s uncanny ability to honor such things as loyalty, friendship and the connections people have with each other, have been tainted with the white hand of business; the reach of this has gone as deep into our society that it’s commonplace for couples to break up over something as ludicrous as forgetting to buy a present. Now, you might be asking yourself: “why is that so wrong, Rob?” Well then, let me ask you this: what lasts longer when it comes to a token of affection? A box of chocolates or a heartfelt “I love you?” I don’t know about you, but if I could only choose one then you can shove that heart-shaped box right up your ass. Now, I believe that love can be broken down into four base types. Read on, and perhaps you’ll feel identified with one or several of them.
Familial Love: Your true first love is not the one you experience when you see what you believe is your one true love; in most cases, your first experience with the L-word comes the moment you come kicking and screaming into this crazy world of ours, your only comfort found when you are place in your mother’s embrace. Love for your family is strong no matter what the case, and most of us can agree that no matter how radically different we are from our parents, no matter how much we fight and how often we find ourselves frustrated by their apparent lack of understanding, there is an intricate thread that binds you to them and refuses to let go. Furthermore, everyone can agree that there is an inherent need to belong somewhere, and the most commanding manifestation of this is when you are part of a family, whether you’re the child or the parent. Family: blood is thicker than water.
Fraternal Love: To some, the most important form of love on the planet. This is the love you have for your friends, whether there’s a blood relation or not. The connection established with them is strong, and an inbred sense of trust is built as time passes by. True fraternal love is expressed, much like Familial Love, in imperceptible ways. Have you ever been in a situation where a very close friend of yours lets you down in the most demoralizing of ways? Think of a situation where it would be imperative for you to have your best friend(s) there to support you, and they never show? It stings more so than it would with your other acquaintances, but no matter how badly they disappoint you, you somehow feel compelled to forgive them the second you see them again; like nothing ever happened. It’s that mysterious je nais se quoi that keeps these connections strong, and for better or worse this kind of love teaches us a very valuable lesson: when we love someone, there is very little they can do that will tear the connection apart. This is probably why love is such a delicate subject for most.
Romantic Love: This is the type of love that consumerism thrives on. When you have a connection that is as strong as a Fraternal one but with the added value of physical attraction, the result is Romantic Love. As human beings, we have the inherent desire to attain this kind of love because, in part, of our genetic need to reproduce as well as achieving that sense that there’s someone out there that loves us in a truly complete sense, both physical and spiritual. Sex is great and all, but that’s just the physical aspect of this particular type: when you feel comfortable enough to strip your soul for someone else pretty much in the same manner you can strip your clothes for them, then the connection gets even stronger. The sense of trust is heightened due to this level of intimacy, a level that cannot be attained in any of the other types discussed here… and because of that, you tend to feel inadequate if you don’t have a significant other to spend every February 14th with. Friends, at times, don’t cut it and I’ll tell you why you feel that way: you can’t have sex with them. It’s alright, though; my assessment is that you feel that way because our society has fixated itself in such a faux holiday that it feels necessary to have a romantic relationship with someone… anyone, just to fill the void maximized by the assault of cardboard hearts and teddy bears.
Universal Love: This is the most beautiful of forms, in my opinion, because it’s so hard to ascertain. This type of love is the one that compels you to help complete strangers, no matter what their background. Voting for your favorite American Idol contestant. Caring for world issues. Giving to charity, helping those in need without expecting anything in return. Every time you give a quarter to a homeless person, whether you want to be politically correct or not, is a small manifestation of your capacity to spread Universal Love. Because the world is as silly as it is, it would seem that this type is not among the most popular in the list; nevertheless, it’s a beautiful thing to see. And what’s more is that this type of love is gratifying in such a unique way that you aren’t able to attain it any other way. Every time I see someone buy a homeless person a meal when all they had to do was ask, I always tend to think that they will often try to take advantage of the goodwill of others (as it often is the case), but in reality I wish I could be as selfless as they are. It’s a little sad how the simple action of giving can be such a chore to most of us, yet there are those among us that keep making up for our shortcomings. If you have a friend that has attained this wonderful kind of love, you should keep them as close to your vest as you possibly can for they are rare and beautiful.
With this knowledge in hand I took it upon myself to ask my friends about what Valentine’s Day means to them. My stance on the matter is publicly known: I simply don’t celebrate the holiday as most people would, and I’ve been quoted in print on it. Asking around, it would seem that my closest friends share the same criteria, even if from different angles; as I expected though, there are others who do believe in the core message Valentine’s brings, and in some cases even the whole “let’s get a greeting card” aspect of it. First off, I asked my best friend what he thought of the holiday and this is pretty much what happened:
Rob: “Hey Marco, if I asked you what you thought about Valentine’s Day, could I quote you on it?”
Marco: “Sure, man.”
Rob: “Alright. So, what do you think of Valentine’s Day?”
Marco: “The way I see it that it’s proof that the leaders of the world find ways to economically enslave the masses by forcing them to buy valentine gifts for their loved ones, making them socially obligated, or I dunno, forced or whatever, to adhere to these irrelevant ways of society. So, at the end we all lose the meaning of love. It’s about giving, not loving. McLovin’. There’s your quote. Did you like it?”
Rob: “You had me at ‘way.’”
Marco: “McLovin’… that is so weird…”
Rob: “It is. You are not under the influence of recreational drugs, are you?”
Marco: “What?”
Rob: “Are you?”
Marco: “Nothing.”
Rob: “Alright.”
Marco: “McLovin’.”
Rob: “Is there anything else you’d like to add?”
Marco: “…”
Rob: “I’m waiting. The masses are waiting as well.”
*Marco goes deep in thought*
Marco: “On Valentine’s Day, hide your wallet. Pull your cock out. And show some love. ‘Cuz Valentine’s Day is about lovin’. Represent! Check.”
Rob: “Mic check!”
Marco: “Don’t ask, just write. Represent yo-self!”
Rob: “So, you believe that Valentine’s is a faux holiday bent over just to sell greeting cards and chocolate?”
Marco: “I mean, It is a faux holiday! Just like every other holiday out there… like birthdays. The only people that should feel happy about that day should be me and the people who love me because I’m alive. You don’t need to give me anything! But that’s not what consumerism says. They just see something marketable and turn it into money, even if it means killing love. They’re just happy they make money, and your girlfriend is happy ‘cuz she went to the movies, you spent $40 bucks, went to dinner, spent another $40 bucks –“
Rob: “$40 bucks for a movie date?”
Marco: “Depends on where you are. Cuz there’s such things as VIP; she’s gonna want that.”
Rob: “Good point.”
Marco: “So anyways, if you just so happen to look at her purse, it’s gonna be empty because she already knows that it’s up to you to pay for everything; society taught the masses that we men have to pay for everything. So where’s the lovin’? Why can’t we just go to a park? That’s not romantic enough. The more money you spend, the more romantic it is. I guess that’s what makes true love rare now, because we’re losing it thanks to companies like Hallmark and the idiots of society that fall for this.”
Rob: “But lemme ask you a question: do you expect any special treatment from your girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? What about your friends, do you expect anything from them on that date?”
Marco: “I don’t think there’s anything wrong with picking out a day to express that particular love on that particular day. But when everything goes wrong is when you want to make a profit out of it; money distorts everything, no matter where you go. So, involving money is not a good start. At least for the relationship; for the girl it often is the way to start. Not every girl is like that, but from my experience most of them are.”
Rob: “Can I ask you what, if anything, will you do this Valentine’s Day?”
Marco: “I’m gonna spend time with my girlfriend. Note that I said ‘spend time,’ not money. And I’ll be the sweetest guy ever that day; if that’s not enough for her, then that would be the end of this relationship. But thankfully, she’s nothing like that. So, my advice to the internetz is to spend time with your loved ones, not money. Happy Valentine’s day. Check yo ass!”
Rob: “Thank you.”
Marco: “You’re welcome.”
I then went on Facebook and shot a flare to my friends asking for their opinions on the matter. The note I posted a little over a week before the publication of this piece was sent out to people in my list. I was very specific in what I asked. As anecdotal evidence, the post in question:
I’m doing a piece on Valentine’s Day as a whole and it’s coming up on Friday; hopefully I will have scanned the interview they did on me in La Prensa on the subject (by way of Cupid Must Die, of all things) this friday and well, i’d like some quotes and opinions from people I consider intelligent and clever. I will assume that you know what my stance on the matter is, given that I’ve tagged you because we’re either a) close, b) we’ve been involved at some point, c) have interesting things to say about whatever topic is thrown at them, d) have different perspectives on the subject or two/three/all of the above. Try to be unbiased.
With that I sought out as diverse a group as I could find, composed of close friends, would-be-girlfriends, girls I’ve been intimately involved with, girls I’ve felt attracted to, friends I’ve made over the internet from other countries and people I don’t know as well as I’d like. As I expected, the feedback was exceptional. Now, some quotes:
I believe it’s a fictitious faux holiday that panders to marketing and consumerism. It puts people who are in relationships into tight spots, and it makes people who are single feel inadequate. If you’re in love you don’t need a holiday or a designated day to express yourself emotionally to your significant other or to the person of your interest. Maybe Valentine’s day should focus more on all types of love (i.e. familial love, friendship, etc).
Just like this comment, most of the people that posted their opinions agreed with this stance. Now, there are as many different definitions of love as there are people on this earth. Scrolling down the comment list, the different approaches begin to surface. From the spiritual:
Valentine’s just another external motivator to make one day “special” for your partnership with a loved one. I say for the partnership because whatever you do for her/him you do for yourself too.
We don’t need external motivators, and it’s great if you can make many days out of the year “extraordinary”. But it certainly helps to have certain “markers” that exert at least some pressure (or incentive, depending on how much you let yourself be affected by it), to go out of your way to go beyond the mundane.
This particular Valentine my girlfriend is out of town, so we have decided to create a Valentine’s day sometime when she returns -the important thing isn’t the date, but rather that we are deciding to mutually go a little beyond the ordinary and create a special time to celebrate our love for each other. It’s good to reinforce this idea -everyday is a good day to celebrate love, but you can’t do it every day in a special way without making it “what’s normal”… so make it special!
To the practical:
I think Valentine’s Day has become what it is as a thoughtful attempt to have a planned day to force people who think they are too busy in life to otherwise take time out from that busyness to appreciate love in their lives. I also believe that if you are one of those people who cannot appreciate that love each and every day of your life without having to “plan” that appreciation on this one day – well that’s just sad. In a sense Valentine’s Day to me should just be called Thanksgiving – Part Deux. Only instead of giving thanks for pilgrimage and all that jazz… people feel obligated to give thanks for the people in their lives. Again, I personally don’t need one designated day to do this but I’m sure some people do…and as a result, some significant others are usually thrilled on this day. So I guess I think it’s nice that the day exists – and sad at the same time.
To the sentimental:
I think Valentine’s is a good excuse to walk out of our routine and do something special. If you are worried about giving expensive gifts or booking dinner in a fancy restaurant just to show how in love you are, you are heading in the wrong tracks. I won’t be with my baby for the weekend but will spend the weekend with my friends and family… anyway, if you are really in love any day is good and way much better to pick up any regular day for that expensive gift or fancy dinner…
For the rest I would say: let’s not trouble ourselves thinking either it is too commercialized or push up into awkward situations. Just do something special, it can be big time or a mere detail, but if you do it with love, to your family, friends and significant other I can tell you it will awesome.
To the assertively hilarious:
I think it’s a holiday designed for people who don’t show affection the other 364 days. Same with mother’s day and all those other PRE fabricated feeling days. I say boycott the stupid thing and give flowers when you feel it, not because society forces you to do it. Xmas however has (for me) more pagan themes and more of a magical awe about it. But it’s still a super pre-fabricated feeling day too… It’s like declaring March 6 diarrhea day and feeling like a jerk because your stool ain’t cooperating…
There are many other comments that cover all shades of the spectrum. I’m glad to live in a country where people can express themselves any way they want and they’ll find people that agree with them. Personally, I’m inclined to go with the first comment posted in that Facebook note, but that doesn’t mean I appreciate the more “mainstream” opinions regarding Valentine’s Day. Some try to take back the true spirit of the holiday by making them their own, with the use of personal rituals that add an extra, unique layer to the date in question. The results are often more heartfelt than any greeting card could ever hope to accomplish:
I give roses to all of my friends who happen to be girls (not girlfriends). I buy over 24 roses, maybe less and just distribute them in a very personal fashion. The purpose of this ritual is to remind each one that no matter the shit in between, they’ll all count with an actual friend (yes I’ve received more than friendly feedback from them, but that’s not the point). I’m not buying into consumerism and all of them plastic toys to get laid. I’m making the best of a day that tends to help to surface and amplify sensibility to communicate. I’ll never give a guy a rose because i rather share a beer, you know what i mean? Communicate in a simple manner, forget material things that never lived, give out beer or roses…they were once living things that appreciated the simplicity of the stillness in a field.
In the end, I can say that it’s nice to know that love, in all of its different shapes and sizes, can bring us together in harmony despite the differences of opinion. Just like the four basic types of love I’ve mentioned in this piece, every person on earth has his or her own definition of what the big L is, informed by their own experiences. For those of you still looking for a definition that could satisfy your need for comprehension, here’s a bit of friendly advice, straight out of someone I believe is among the most assertive of my acquaintances: “those I love, know it. And they love me. What more could I ask for?”
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