My mom has a friend with a very particular situation I would like to talk to you about today, mostly because I’m in a prissy mood and calling people out on their shortcommings is a fun hobby of mine… I promise there’s a lesson to be learned here, though. I wouldn’t dare waste your time with my own diatribe (remember: shitty mood. Rob turns more sarcastic when he’s upset). Anyway, yesterday I was lying down flipping the channels to see if I could find anything worth barely paying attention to when mom walked in randomly as she usually does to drop some golden nugget of information and/or story we can laugh to. Things kind of went like this:

Mom: Wanna hear a joke?

Rob (coming in and out of conciousness): Sure.

Mom: Do you remember “Mike?” “Ana”’s ex-husband?

Rob: Yes…

Mom: Well, y’know how Ana recently got that hip operation and all, so she was at her house for Christmas. “Joe” called me over the weekend to see if your aunt and I wanted to swing by over there and have Christmas brunch… of course, we ended up hanging out with you.

Rob: Right…

Mom: Well, I just talked to Joe and guess what happened!

Rob: …

Mom (smiling and excited): …

Rob: …

Mom: … Well?

Rob: Huh?

Mom: Guess, silly!

Rob: Oh! Well, mom, I dunno. What happened?

Mom: Joe met Mike.

Let me fill you in: Ana has two girls with Mike, a short, nerdy white guy; she’s been going out with Joe, a tall black dude that works with the government, for around 10 years… the girls have practically grown up with this guy, specially the youngest who just turned 18. All of the girls are living in the house Ana moved into when she married Mike some 26 years ago; but, Mike is not only still legally married to Ana, but he hasn’t moved out of the house. Ever. Call it Panamanian machoism or some other ridiculous bullshit but the guy will not only not divorce the woman but he also refuses to move out of the house. So, 10 or so years ago Ana met Joe and they started going out since things with Mike were d-e-d dead; for the first couple of years of dating they’d do the whole bit of meeting in the corner down the block and keeping it secret but as it is with these things, eventually someone adds two and two together… turning Ana’s home into the real-life novella of her neighborhood, and not our Latin-American brand of finite soap but a spanning epic of dullness that’s recently hit the decade mark. Kind of of like “Days of Our Lives,” but with idiots!

In the 10 years of dating the mechanic hasn’t changed but the surrounding factors have in such a way that everyone but Mike knows Joe. He takes out the girls for dinners and movies, takes Ana on vacation trips across the world, has been invited to her friends’ homes for parties, cooked for them and a bunch of other ultimately bizarre crap that in the end is maximized by the fact that Ana won’t leave the house because, get this, her only option is to move to Joe’s house in Arraiján, which is around 30 minutes outside of the city. She can’t kick her “husband” out of the house because it’s half his and they haven’t divorced; he won’t signed the papers. The girls are downright traumatized by how this silly macho man can’t budge and change his life for the woman he “loves” is trying to be a stepfather when their delirious, fucking-idiot father can’t seem to take a hint and move the fuck on. So yes, at all this the two men have never met.

Rob: Wow…

Mom: I know, right?

Rob: How did that end up?

Mom: the neighbors were peeking into the windows and everything. And that asshole wanted us to go over there and be a part of it.

Rob: Tough break.

Mom: Yeah… at least no one got their lights knocked out. I dunno, Rob… what’s wrong with that guy?

Rob: Mike?

Mom: They’re both idiots, but sure.

Rob: Well, I think he’s in denial. Also, he’s a macho idiot.

Mom: You can say that again. He can’t even say it’s because of the girls anymore… the oldest one’s 25! She’ll get married any day now… and the youngest one’s 18 and off to college soon. It’ll just be them two in the house. And it’s not like she even sleeps with him because she doesn’t… he does absolutely nothing there, Rob! Why doesn’t he let the girl go? Is it because of what other people might think?

Rob: That excuse would’ve been valid about 9 years ago.

Mom: You’re right… in fact, it’s worse now. He’s coming off as a dooped idiot.

Rob: Indeed he is. I thought she had solved that issue already. Can’t she have a lawyer look at that case?

Mom: Well, of course! I think so…

Rob: Why doesn’t she?

Mom: I have no idea. I guess it’s because she’s not too keen on the alternative…

Rob: Y’mean Joe?

Mom: Yeah! I mean, the system they have is a pretty comfortable one; we meet up, have our fun but when the party’s over each one goes to their own home. Hell, sometimes I wish I had come up with that system before she did!

Rob: Mom!

Mom: Please, like you wouldn’t try it out, too!

Rob: I’d just do what you did and never got married.

Mom: It’s not like I didn’t try…

Rob: Sorry?

Mom: I never told you I proposed to your dad?

Rob: Excuse me?!

Mom: Ohh, yes. I was young and stupid.

Rob: And pregnant, maybe?!

Mom: No, silly! That happened afterwards. We had been going out for a while already and, I mean… he was like you when he was young. Handsome, charming and intense. I loved being with him and I thought he did too! And he did, but not enough to get married… later I found out why and it made me feel less embarassed about myself.

Rob: My sister…

Mom: Yes, her. It got me very upset, I’ll let you know.

Rob: I know.

Mom: I realized later on I didn’t need the church to tell me I can spend the rest of my life with someone. Besides, sometimes formalizing stuff wrecks it beyond repair. I think it’s silly, but it’s definitely true. Do you seriously see me married to your father?

Rob (chuckling): Not really.

Mom: There you go. I’m not stupid. But I love the ogre, and that just my luck. Besides, if I hadn’t gotten pregnant from him I wouldn’t have had you!

Rob: Ohh, stopppppppppppp….

Earth is full of enough people for shit like this to happen. It just baffles me beyond comprehension how someone in their right mind would subject themselves to such a ridiculous, sitcom-like situation such as the one I just typed down. Seriously… what in the frickin’ hell is wrong with these people? Everyone involved is an idiot. In my opinion there’s no love in any of the parties involved; just people taking advantage of each other, resulting in something that should be documented extensively and be marketed as the latest Adam Sandler movie. The lesson here, boys and girls, is that no matter how messed up you think things are there’s always going to be someone having it worse off… like Mike, the circus clown that won’t let go.

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